waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada


Sunday, August 13, 2006

9:40 am. i'm drinking coffee from a wine glass, and waiting for the laundry room to open in twenty minutes so i can wash the mysterious chocolate stains from my sheets. the day is coming in cool and blue through my window, and it will be easy to lose a few hours before i head to the mountain on my bike.

i had a very good weekend, the kind that involved shutting the ringer off the phone and barely turning on the computer; when i went to the store to buy eggs, i wore my wig.
on friday, i cleaned my apartment from top to bottom, made dinner for two, and did my part to rid the world of rosee. yesterday, we got serious about the doctor who marathon we've been meaning to have - i'm very behind, considering i last watched it in 1986.

12:12 pm. this is going to be one of those disjointed posts. my last load is going through, the dishes are done, i'm debating the merits of one more shot of espresso before actually starting on my day. this is what i love about sundays - the dreaminess of it all, the self-reflection. i always tend on using them as emotional check-ins.

is my body finally starting to calm down? i hope so. last night i slept well again. the mysterious hives on my arms might be going away - or that might just be wishful thinking on my part. (rather than taking some strange steroid, i'm following my sister's prescription of oatstraw tea, lots and lots of tea tree oil, and her salve). my body is a constant reminder of how i internalize stress without letting it go.
letting go - i know what i need to do, but there's something i'm missing, still.

1:10 pm. about half an hour ago, checked my email and there it is, sitting there like a bomb waiting to go off.
[real name] subject: Dad.
i'm too scared to open it.
i'm too scared to open it.

i'm scared that my aunt and uncle broke my confidence and talked to him about my fears. this man screwed me up in so many ways i sometimes feel like i'm running around sticking sand bags up against a tsunami.
i'm WAY too scared to read the email, though. i feel like i'm going to be sick.
1:23 pm. okay, coffee to fortify. then i'm going to pretend that the email doesn't exist and go OUTSIDE. far, far away from it all. i'm going to walk to a park and find my friends and pretend that a soccer ball is someone's head. i'll update this later...

1:36 pm. i'm such a baby! it was just an update email.
7:10 pm. i just poured a gin and tonic that was a little heavy on the gin, even for me. not sure how i feel about trying to shave after this - but it'll be a fun story for the grandkids, if it doesn't work out.
i learned a few things today.
first, don't trust google maps' directions because they don't account for people being pedestrians. there were a few times where the "sidewalk" literally melted away and left me clinging to a chainlink fence while cars went by at a lot faster than the posted speed limit.
second, no matter how much of a champion walker i am, it's still going to take me an hour and a bit to get downtown from where i live.
third, i need to learn the directions on a compass. before someone else schedules something for "the south-east corner of the park at five past seven on the third tuesday of a month". i mean, fucksnatch, people.
7:23 pm. if i get hungry, i'll cook, but i'm not really. i'm going to try and read ethan frome - don't ask me why i'm wrestling with edith wharton when i don't have to be. (well, i actually like her. it's weird that i do, i recognize that, but i do. and for some reason i've never been able to FINISH ethan frome, though i've started it like a million times. i hate not finishing books.)
i'm also going to try and write, shave, do my physio exercises for once, maybe some sit-ups. my yoga mat is sitting forlornly in the corner, too, even though i just used it yesterday.
11:07 pm. i tried to sleep - curled up in clean sheets with some chai and my book - but i couldn't. i was too worried, and when i get worried it eats concentric circles through my stomach. so i got up and pulled a clean journal from my book shelf and started to write.
this is the first time in a while i've even started a journal entry other than a blog, and the results were enlightening.
i pulled the same book off the shelf yesterday, when met was over, and felt a pang as i did. my ex's mother gave it to me for my birthday, and it's waited patiently in a queue to be written in since. his mother also gave me my only surviving teapot. his sister gave me the collected works of lewis carroll.
to me, it never felt like i was super-close with my ex's family, but i know that they felt close to me. it's not like we ever talked regularly on the phone, but i was given the secret book of recipes to copy from.
i think that's part of the reason, a large part, why i feel twitchy now.
i feel really, really, really alone.
most of the time i can cope with this feeling. i like being alone, a lot of the time, but all of my friends who live in montreal aren't actually in montreal right now. my friends in my hometown all have lives of their own. my family doesn't bother much with me; my sister lives far away.
i guess that, paired with the stuff i'm dealing with (no job, no matter how hard i look; starting physio again; therapy) makes me feel like i don't have a life of my own right now.
i feel like i'm in stasis.
i feel shut out of the bigger picture.
i'm going to figure out how to fix this.


Blogger Jessie said...

There seems to be a lot happening in your life right now and, while I'm not sure of all the details, you have written about the details of your day in a very interesting way--I liked how you did that. Disjointed? Maybe. But isn't that how a day sometimes actually feels?

I'm sending love and hope that all is ok.

6:29 p.m.  
Blogger tablefor4 said...

I can sooo relate to your post. I too have been "disjointed" and wanting a way out. Thats why I haven't posted in awhile. Just..zoned and out of it I guess...disjointed. I did talk about that feeling not too long ago. I'm told, it's because I'm changing, and not sure yet where to go with it, or what to do with it. I'm also told that thats when change occurs..is when were ..disjointed. We're changing inside, growing..and then eventually we come forth with what we've learned. It sounded like utter bullshit to me at first, but I'm finding that its' very true. Take care of you.

1:13 a.m.  
Blogger Claire said...

I'm all empathy here hon. Isn't life a crazy mishmash most of the time...I know I'm stressed because all my blogs recently have involved me hiding behind music / books / memes....masking is never a good thing. Glad you're writing about it and getting it out there!

Love, and blessings, as always,


2:07 a.m.  
Blogger Egan said...

It seems you do have much to get off your chest. I'm happy you can at least blog about this stuff. For me it's therapeutic to get those thoughts out of my head on the blog. I'm really curious about your relationship with your father, but will save that for another day.

Did you get my running advice from my blog? Take care!

8:54 a.m.  
Blogger Egan said...

By the way, what's the significance of the first picture? Is it just to get us hot and bothered or am I missing something? Merci.

5:00 p.m.  
Blogger bee said...

jessie - thank you so much for your support, it really means a lot.

lexie - i love your definition of how we're changing inside and that creates the feeling of disjointedness. i've quoted you already.

claire - thank you. mwah.

egan - it's super complicated, my relationship with my father, for sure - but i'm sure it'll come out, some day.

and the significance of the first picture? well, i LOVE trees, and find a lot of peace wandering in the forest, doing the hippie thing of communing with nature. so it is mostly because of that that i posted it. but it is tres sexy, i agree.
that's probably the subliminal reason. come hither expressions always get me.

5:11 p.m.  
Blogger Egan said...

Okay, the dad thing is a very private matter. I just had to ask because I have a strained relationship with my father. Only share what you want.

That photo isn't you is it? I love trees a lot, but I'm not sure you will ever see me hugging them in the buff. Ha, what's your favorite tree? I have a degree in Forestry.

6:51 p.m.  
Blogger bee said...

lol...i'm sure i'll blog about it again, (my father, i mean), but it's what sent me running from my other blog.

no, it's not me. it sort of could look like me (i'm joking)...but my favourite tree? tough call. i love willows, lindens, elms, red cedars, and maples. what about you?

6:55 p.m.  
Blogger Egan said...

I would have to say my favorite is a western red cedar, thuja plicata. Yes, I'm a dork. They're so grand... I do love the smell and shape of grand firs though too, abies grandis.

I understand the secretive dad thing. No worries.

11:01 a.m.  
Blogger Cheryl said...

here you are!

1:36 p.m.  

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