waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada


Wednesday, November 29, 2006


Don't consider yourself a failure just because you might be stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place. You may not be able to move freely enough to create the changes you desire. You are positioned better than you realize, but in order to make the most of it, you must open your mind wider than ever before. Then, hang on tight, for something big is about to happen. ~my horoscope for today

guys, it's 5 am. i got up about 40 minutes ago, after having to crash once i got home from my workshop. i'm drinking a HUUUUUGE cup of black coffee and trying to ignore the fact that my body's not fitting right - you know when your skin itchs and your head hurts and all you can do is look at your amazing wonderful bed that's not even 10 feet away from you?

i'm a ritualist in the sense that i like things a "certain way" before i start writing. for instance, my internet wouldn't boot up just now - so i had to call the company to check my connection, because i MUST have internet access when i'm on the computer. it's harder for me to write in the winter because i usually like to leave my feet bare, which can be cold in november. normally, i must have a clean desk (and by clean, i apparently mean covered in non-related school books - since when does anybody have time to read for PLEASURE? bwa ha ha ha; a hair dryer; hand lotion; cds; necklaces; incense; and my figurines).

i'm writing a story that i think is going to be waaaaaaaay bigger than it should be, and i'm ALREADY having editing anxiety, and it isn't even written yet. i think i have an exam today - but i'm not sure. i think i'll just show up to class and check. i'm hoping it wasn't on monday.

and in case you were wondering, this is all i think about right now: school (i have just today to get through, then an exam tomorrow, then a paper on monday); all the relationships i am neglecting to do school; work; my non-existant yoga practice; and oh - have i showered yet? (i just take one whenever i remember to, which has been every day so far. yippie!)

i wonder...what is my life going to BE like in a week when i don't have to do this anymore?
i can already answer that! it's going to be REPAINTING MY APARTMENT!
postus scriptumus, 8:05 pm.

(picture bee, clinging to her computer desk) folks, i am getting OLD. appreciably. i can remember a time when i pulled all-nighters and the like 6 times in a row (okay...so i'm exaggerating) and laughed at sleep. SLEEP, I LAUGHED AT YOU. and now i am 28, and i am sad.
you know why? because i was RIGHT. my shakespeare exam WAS at 1 pm. today, which meant that i was sitting at my desk at 1 pm. (my friend actually laughed when i showed up, i haven't been in so long). and seriously? i hope i passed. i'm not joking. there was identify-passages, which sucked, because - have i read the plays? even if i had - and i swear, i read most of them - could i tell you who had actually spoke (spake?) them, or what the speeches meant to the play? then on to the second part - the essay questions - and i haven't been to the class in a few weeks (totally missed the review) so i didn't know exactly what plays we were being tested on...and, oh god. hear that whistling noise far off? that is the bee-bomb about to go off.
then i went directly to the computer lab to finish WRITING and photocopying the story, and promptly forgot my computer disk there. so i was late to class, and it just so happens and i shit you not, we were CRITIQUING A STORY ABOUT LESBIAN PROSTITUTES WITH FABRIC NAMES (IE: GIN CUT COTTON) HAVING SEX WITH POTATOES AND BEING FED TO ALLIGATORS which was, actually, as wince-inducing as it sounds (and i hate to admit that. i really really do - i want to give props where props are due. but jesus god).

then my professor drove me home. the professor who i've almost decided to ask to adopt me. i think he might say yes. and it was lovely and there was nothing odd about that but i did have this twinge where, i wondered, "is this cool?" not that i think he would EVER do anything untoward...but still. i get jumpy.

then i spent an absurd. ABSURD. amount of money to nourish myself for the coming week. and now i'm too tired to make any of said nourishment and, oooooh looky, i've got 300 pages of psych to read. BY TOMORROW. AT 10 AM.

bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

this tree makes me want to climb up it and go to sleep for 100 years, leaving a "do not disturb" sign for that pesky prince charming.


Blogger Shaz said...

Oh sweet Bee to have your energy would be awesome. Goodluck on your exams! your nearly there.

2:51 a.m.  
Blogger erin said...

girl, i am with you. it's hard to remember what filled my brain before school...i think i remember having interesting thoughts, just not sure what they were...

and the story that is growing - let it grow! my stories seem to expand until they encompass the whole world, and then shrink back down to a single moment. i think it's part of the process (or maybe just my process) - all that stuff needs to be thought of, to be a part of the story, even if in the end the reader will never see it. but i'm convinced that, even so, it makes a difference, and they can tell that it's there.
keep truckin' - you can do it! (and resist the lure of the bed - no! don't look!)

7:08 a.m.  
Blogger Jessie said...

oooh...what color? what color? :)

when we first moved into this rented house, the white walls were actually a novelty. they felt nice because it was so freaking hot outside...and the whiteness felt cool and simple. but, OMG, i am getting so INCREDIBLY SICK OF WHITE!!! i want orange and red and fuscia and lime green...i want COLOR!!! but i don't dare even ask our landlord. in this way, i'm getting really sick of renting.

isn't erin awesome? ;) i'm so glad the two of you have "met."

7:16 a.m.  
Blogger Scott said...

Hey, get some sleep kid!


8:03 a.m.  
Anonymous swampgrrl said...


i give you credit, grrrlll!!! i hated college and i had 6 years of it.

can you crawl under the covers with your best blankie?

btw, when i finally bought my first house at age 37, i went nuts with color .... blues, greens, sunny yellow kitchen, turquoise bathrooms. it was a riot!

8:59 a.m.  
Blogger Claire said...

Sweetie, you make me smile. Muddled is my watchword...


9:05 a.m.  
Blogger Deb R said...

I love these sorts of stream of consciousness posts. :-)

What color(s) are you going to paint your apartment??

10:43 a.m.  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

but maybe at least while you're painting you'll be able to breathe

2:41 p.m.  
Blogger Left-handed Trees... said...

I appreciated reading of your writing "rituals"...funny the things we have to do to get into the writing groove, without even really thinking about it. I hope things ease off for you soon...

2:49 p.m.  
Blogger bee said...

shaz~ i didn't think of it like that before, but i swear all my energy originates from caffeine. thank you for the extra luck! if my shakespeare exam that WAS indeed, today, is any indication, i'll surely need it.

erin~ i KNOW. it's kind of sad. i've been thinking to myself lately that i only have 4 things in my head at any given time. and i thought i was half-interesting! LOL. and the story - whatever it is - is in. so i don't care (really) anymore. and yes, i completely agree - the bed has to wait until 300 pages of psych are read.

jessie~ my idea was for an amethyst bedroom, as i was saying, but i also like green for the other three walls (one's blue already) in the living room, and maybe a sponged-over orange in the kitchen? je ne sais pas.

scott~ oh, beLIEEEEEEEEVE me, i will. asap. tomorrow. after my exam. *thud*

swampgrrl~ thank you. i'm 28, and i've been going off and on for 8 years (with a definitive 2 or 3 year break in the middle). i want OUT. O.U.T. with my piece of paper. and since, really, i haven't spent longer than 6 months in one place, and i've just decided to try and do that here, i think i AM going to go riotously colourful. :)

claire~ thanks...can we share that watchword it fits me pretty well, too. ;)

deb r~ this was a stream-of-consciousness??!! oops. i guess so. i didn't really have much to say, per se (hey! i'm a poet!) do you wanna come help me redecorate? ;)

michelle~ breathing. yes. i like that idea. and meditating, and yoga, and eating more than a small bag of barbecue crispers and a chocolate chip cookie ALL DAY. i should really do somw groceries. thanks. (hug)

trees~ WELCOME! nice to have you here! i find us writers to be superstitious about some things...most things. those are just a few of mine.

oookay, off to do groceries. or puddle, whichever comes first. oh, and jessie, i think i left my computer disk at the cafe i printed it off at. so your copy might have to wait. sorrrryyyy!

3:39 p.m.  
Anonymous ceanandjen said...

You are going at the speed of light dear one! I wish you so much luck and success....you are almost done. (I already said that in my last comment!) But, I remember the days...the mad dashes and the lack of sleep, and the feeling over overwhelm. You are awesome, and you will do fine. And then...you.will.sleep.

Thinking of you honey....xoxoxoxo

11:03 p.m.  

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