waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada


Sunday, November 19, 2006

a weekend of light

yesterday i had this really interesting "encounter" with this woman i'd never met before. she came into the store to make a delivery and as i took the box from her our eyes locked.
all of a sudden she was telling me about how she got sepsis in october and almost died, then how she started meditating. i told her about how i'd had health issues of my own in the past and had recently begun to meditate again, myself.
then she started telling me about this 'break-through' she'd had during one of her sessions where she'd realized how to break down the ego - her solution was to beam out love energy - egoless, healing, all-encompassing love.
i'd been thinking much the same thing lately, and so excitedly contributed to the discussion whenever i could. we touched a lot on meditation, how organic food is one of our ways to self-heal, talismans, auras - the whole shebang.
our conversation continued after she left. she called me to read me this piece she'd written about the breakthrough, and then sent the piece to me by email. then she said something that stopped me in my tracks.
"you know, i don't normally say any of this to people i just meet. did you notice that i took a step back and scanned you once you said that you had health issues, as well?"
i was serving another customer and sort of distracted at this point so i replied,
"no, not really."
"well, i assessed whether you had - and what i saw was that you had significant health problems, but that you were on a path of joy. there are only certain people who are open to what i have to say."
these are things that she said she tried to do with her meditation: become "one with the light", and to project healing to the entire world. this is a woman who meditates for four hours a day - two in the morning and two before she goes to sleep.
i thought that was a beautiful thing, because she can't be the only one. she cannot be the only person who is striving with such focus to become part of positive energy, and she can't be the only person who projects egoless love onto all humanity.
something that my body hasn't quite accepted yet is that this continues to happen on 'bad days' as well. it can be hard for me to feel anything good on those days - but yet, someone is still out there, going to a place of peace and praying for me within it.
last night, i got home from work and meditated for a while, and just as i was blowing out the candle, my door buzzed and best friend had arrived. we flopped on the couch and i said, "you know, if you hadn't showed up just now i would have made myself a drink and turned on the family guy." she replied, "oh, could we?" so we snacked a bit and drank some nice drinks and watched cartoons, until mom and dad showed up. then we decided to get up and make food - quinoa with mushrooms, roasted squash - and we ate, then we went out to get popcorn and a few movies. we drank a lot - when mom and dad showed up they brought beer and wine with them - and i think it was around 10 when i wandered into my bedroom, saw my bed, and literally went, "ooh, that looks good!" and promptly passed out in my clothes with all the lights on.
bf came in a while later to see what had happened to me, saw me curled up, and turned off the lights to curl up beside me - so it was really the most chill, early night ever. and i got to wake up to being spooned by a woman who knows me very well and loves me better.
this morning was beautiful - because it revived a tradition that i didn't realize i missed so much: bf, mom, dad, and i all having 'morning coffee' together as the sun was rising. when we lived in the commune we would always meet up to watch the dawson's creek reruns on tbs - and there would be a few hours of quiet companionship and caffeination. i hugged my friends goodbye and then i headed to work, and when i headed to work - i had this feeling.
it took me a while to figure out what it was, exactly. i knew the 'blissful' part right away, but there was something else.
i love very easily - and i'm finally okay with that. for a long time i was told that 'love' was something special and should only be reserved for a few people, to keep its specialness - and i tried to rein in my heart, even though it hurt and trying to stop loving a lot of people went contrary to my nature.
lately, as i've been out of balance, i'd 'watched' my love more - keeping track of it, a little - "okay, i've shown this person this much of me - now i should wait to see what's going to happen before i reveal more." and quite frankly, i didn't like doing that, because it felt weird to me, too - i always understood it as a sign that i was imbalanced.
but on the way to work this morning - i felt love just surging out of me, to everyone i thought of - and it was completely unfettered. there were no more checks and balances, there wasn't a drought, there was enough to give to the whole world.
i hope that, even if you didn't feel it today, that you will let yourself know that i was sending you some.


Blogger jen said...

what a magical post...i found you via kiki's way a few degrees seperated, perhaps..and am so glad i did. that last photo is tremendous, and the honesty in your heart, refreshing.

7:57 p.m.  
Anonymous ceanandjen said...

I ADORE your perpective on love. Whether or not I could allow myself to be that open...hmmmm, that wall of mine is a big one indeed.

The woman who you connected with at the store....amazing, truly amazing. People who are open can indeed instantly recognize other people who are open. I find this story chilling...in a beautiful connected way.

It sounds like you had a wonderful weekend....so happy for that!!!!!

love to you...xoxoxoxoxo

10:25 p.m.  
Blogger Jane Poe (aka Deborah) said...

Amazing awareness & post, Bee. I loved the pics that you chose to represent your words, as well. Keep that beautiful heart open, my dear. much peace & love, JP

10:36 p.m.  
Blogger Claire said...

Love the post! Glad you had a weekend worth cherishing...mine was lowkey and fab, just what I needed also!


5:08 a.m.  
Blogger Jessie said...

good god, bee...i love you too!

you make me crave open-hearted conversations...and you make me want to project more love out into the world.

you're weekend sounds incredible. dang, i miss yoU!

5:45 a.m.  
Blogger Deb R said...

That's so magical the way you and the woman in the store recognized each other as spirits on the same path. And your night with your friends sounds lovely. This whole post made me smile. And love...yes...one of those things that the more stingy you are with it, the more it shrivels inside you, but the more you send out into the world, the more you have inside to share.

6:34 a.m.  
Blogger Spiky Zora Jones said...

Bee...wonderful day, huh? i felt your presence and sent love right back to yah.

your words are filled with so much emotion...i think that was what gathered me to you.

more days to fill your heart with happiness is what i wish for you pumpkin...later.

10:47 a.m.  
Blogger Cheryl said...

We all get out of balance sometime. And people come along who help us realign. Obviously this woman was meant to do that for you. I think I will try sending out love too.

12:19 p.m.  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

i feel it right now...thank you...

2:31 p.m.  

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