waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada

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Monday, November 20, 2006

rewire

the negatives

it's late and i'm feeling shivery and having one of those petulant moments where no, i don't want to make myself anything for dinner i just want to eat those three figs that i have left in my knapsack and drink yerba mate which probably means that i'm low on protein. and sleep. i used to be such an avid partier that it somewhat embarrasses me that i can't drink somewhat heavily more than one night in a row and not feel the effects.

  • i have been HIGHLY premenstrual this month (so bad, in fact, that my boyfriend looked at me on thursday which was four days ago and asked me if i was more bloated than usual) and one of the posts that i had in mind for today was how i have been aware of that, so have been flipping my naturally sensitive mind frame for this time of the month and gotten super positive instead. all hail the moon cycle, etc., etc. but, as is usual for the end of the term (it finally hit) my body is starting to refuse to do any work.
  • after the few days off that i gave it, ("are you crazy?" my school friends asked me), i'm sitting in front of my computer knowing that i have a gajillion things to do for tomorrow (2 poetry assignments, a psych essay, editing 3 submissions) and yet - i want to read blogs and just generally fart around for the next few hours, until i get tired and fall asleep.
  • the not-wanting-to-do-any-work is making me a bit grumpy.
  • at this point, everyone i talk to is describing feelings of burn-out. i'm one of the luckier ones in that my breakdown has taught me to value my health above getting that essay in on time, but for the most part, everybody is intensely stressed, frustrated, and exhausted.
  • i spent about an hour talking to my boyfriend yesterday as he was valiantly trying to apply the finishing touches to 4 plays. he was tired and overwrought and nothing i said seemed to help the situation. it bothers me when i think i should know how to do something, and yet i can't. for the life of me.
  • my father wrote one of his airy, insensitive asshole emails to his 'family' today which said: Just in case you write and don't get a reply for a while, I will be in Peru from today to 11 December, with uncertain access to the internet.
    Sigh ... I can hardly wait to get back to the comfort of my home. But, if someone doesn't visit Peru, who will support the economy?
    this from a man who has always said that if he had his life to live over again he would never have had kids; who is living the life of whoever in costa rica and taking jaunty trips to other continents just because while his daughters are ekeing out existences on the poverty line. it makes me so mad i shake a little every time i think about it.
  • i've also scheduled a trip out of town this weekend to see banane for her birthday. i love her, and i love where she lives, but at this point i'm asking myself, are you absolutely nuts? you have a story due next week, for god's sake. which is one more thing that i'm not thinking i want to write, but that i need to get through in order to get to my vacation.
  • my body also hurt today for the first time in a long time. my hip was achy and my back's starting to tense up. but that just means i need to go to yoga again.
then i found this woman's blog tonight and her post sort of stopped me in my tracks. so i need, once again, to rewire my thinking a bit. because i truly think that she is right, but that just means it's probably going to be the most difficult thing to actually do.

the positives



i bought some lovely photos from a photo exhibit in the main building of my university. i like supporting student art and the pictures are lovely. one's of a forest, and one is of a girl in a negligee using a blowdryer in a bathroom. they both spoke to me in different ways.

i had my prose workshop tonight, which always puts me in a good mood. i love my teacher.

after this assignment that's due tomorrow, i don't have anything more for another week.

  • i got a package waiting for me at a post office i've never been to, so i have to go on an adventure to pick it up.
  • i'm going to make myself a kick-ass, mini "date" dinner. and listen to my favourite talk-radio station, and maybe dance around my kitchen a bit because no-one can see me.

7 Comments:

Blogger Jessie said...

well, i gotta hand it to ya...even though you have quite a kick-your-ass list of negatives, i got to the end of you postive list and was actually smiling...heck, i think a little laugh might have even escaped! ;)

i hear ya with the whole menstrual fatigue thing. good god, it's enough to put a screeching halt to everything! but i'm impressed with your list of positives....because they just sort of spill over and make me feel good too!

love ya,
j.

ps.
have you tried peppermint or fennel to help with the bloating? mint is a diuretic and fennel is for gas (whew! who farted?!--haha!) that's all i got for witchy remedies. :P

6:37 PM  
Blogger bee said...

no i haven't. i will have to.

nettle is good, too. i think once i'm done my gigantic salad, i'll make some.

i feel like that girl in charlie and the chocolate factory that swelled up like a blueberry, only i'm not turning blue. i'm waiting for the damn thing to start and NOTHING.

did i seem like too much of a downer on this post? i hope not.

and p.s. to everyone else - i'm sorry if all this talk about my menstruation cycle is tmi!

6:43 PM  
Blogger Vesper said...

oh school ahhhhhhhhhh! i don't like this time of the semester, where i don't want to do any work either.....i complete assignments, like you said, just to get them out of the way, not because i really want to do them.

the one good thing...it'll be over SOON!

:)

7:21 PM  
Blogger Deb R said...

It amazes me how busy you stay and how much you manage to get done through it all. Here's hoping that the bloated PMS phase is over soon and you move on to the getting it over with stage. :-) And also here's to hoping for not and end to tight, achy back and hip.

I love that even with everything going on right now, you found a way to end on a positive note. {{{Bee}}}

10:16 PM  
Blogger Jessie said...

in answer to your question:
NO, nope, definately not! you were not too much of a downer. sorry if my comment made you feel that way...because what i was trying to say is that i love the way you are able to find postives despite inevitable negatives. know what i mean? when you do that, it reminds me to do the same. of course, you could be a total downer and i would still read your blog because i think you are wonderful no matter what! :)

love you,
j.

6:50 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

Ahhh, yessss....The Asshole Dad. It must be going around!
Just breath...

ox :)

1:05 PM  
Blogger blackdaisies said...

: ) i love dancing around my kitchen when no one is looking!!

love your positives

10:36 AM  

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