waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada


Sunday, August 27, 2006

back so soon...

i have to do a lot of errands today, but it is raining like pussies and pups here so it looks like i'm taking the metro instead of biking, as i'd planned, which frees up a lot of cafe time.

this week i frightened myself a little bit; the reason i can talk about it now is that i believe the worst of it is over. monday, as i think i mentioned, i felt myself sliding into a depression, the likes of which i haven't felt in a while. i had forgotten i could feel that sad. it dragged on for two days - days where i dealt with it, unwillingly, on my own.

in retrospect, i'm happy i did, but oh lord, at the time it sucked. all of my support systems were unavailable - and on wednesday, when my internet AND phone were cut off, i thought: what is the universe trying to do to me? kill me?

trying to do to me, indeed. or, trying to do for me.

here's where i'm going to admit things that might be uncomfortable to read. they're definitely uncomfortable for me to write, but i need to own these parts of myself and my recovery.

i used to cut. i came very very close, closer than i have in years, on wednesday night. i took myself out of the house, far away from knives and razors and anything with edges, and i walked. i walked for miles. i walked until i didn't know where i was anymore, and i was exhausted and had to find my way back home. when i got back i walked straight past the kitchen, without looking, and fell into bed.

i woke up the next morning and realized i should go back on my antidepressants.

i was on a variety of seratonin cocktails for a number of years, but never felt comfortable with it. i would take myself off them without warning, or change my dosages, or switch pills without preparing my body. a few years ago, i stopped taking them (for what i thought was) for good, but i want to be safe.
any mood that i get into where i consider cutting myself is not safe for me, and as i move into what might be a stressful time (getting a new job, starting school, continuing with therapy) i feel like giving myself a fighting chance.

once i made that decision the metaphorical skies cleared, a bit. i haven't seen a doctor yet, that will happen on tuesday, but just knowing that i am becoming even more proactive is making me feel better.
because, let's face it, all the yoga and running and reiki and eating well didn't really help me this round.

so, what have i been doing to occupy my time since the "blackout of '06"? reading a fuckload. i finished ethan frome, the great gatsby, and letters to a young poet in the past three days. and letters, well, i knew why i had to read that book the second i picked it up. the parts where rilke counsels kappus on solitude - about it being the most exacting, difficult thing for a human being to experience but also the most rewarding, the most conducive to growth - obviously struck home for me.

i've also been spending a lot of time with the hobbit, as he gets ready to move back to hometown. i'm sad about that, but we have been getting along famously so i'm glad that we've shared this time.

i'm also painting one of my bedroom walls tonight, and getting a tattoo tomorrow. i'm hoping to take digital photos so there will be a bit of a photo essay, me thinks.

but i can't wait until wednesday....


Blogger ruby said...

oh bee, i'm so glad to know that you took that walk wednesday night...it really sounds like you are taking a proactive role in your recovery, and that takes a lot of strength...hugs!

12:56 p.m.  
Blogger Susannah said...

Bee, this post is full of hope and self awareness. i'm proud of you for seeing past old destructive patterns and taking care of yourself.

"i feel like giving myself a fighting chance." YES! i have been taking my antidepressants for a year now, and combined with therapy my world has been turned around. as my grief changes into a new animal (one of more acceptance) i am slowly weaning myself off the tablets, in tiny baby steps that don't shock my body. it's all about looking after ourselves, and loving ourselves..... love to you x

1:01 a.m.  
Blogger Scott said...


I am so glad to hear that you have made the choice to take care of yourself. That should always be your number one priority and I am proud of you for doing to. I know that it is not easy.

I am very glad to hear that you did not 'cut.' Good for you for getting out and helping yourself. If you need anything at all just let me know.


10:55 a.m.  
Blogger Kiki said...

If you ever need to talk I'm here for you.

I've been suffering through depression and anxiety disorder for as long as I can remember.

While we use different methods of handling it (ie me chemicals inducing passing out) we both have been there/are there.

Talking about it helps even though it is hard.

7:19 a.m.  
Blogger Spiky Zora Jones said...

Hey baby doll...a tattoo and painting the room...awesome. Sweetie, you are strong, I can feel it though you are far away. you have a wonderful heart. I know how it is to be really really sad. I wish I could have helpded you...like when I was a child, I'd get quiet and sad, mother would wave me to her and softly say "Come here child." even in my teens she would hold me to her and I hugged her to me as I began to cry. She would hum songs from her past or made up, I never knew. after my little cry, I felt wonderful...her strength had wash into me and everyting was all right. I wish I could give you what she gave me. She would tell me...you are from me, be a strong and brave woman. I tried the best I could and I hope she knows that. Sweetie, I know you are both and you will get past it all. Keep digging deep babes...we all think the world of you.

10:17 a.m.  
Blogger Jessie said...

Bee, I just want to say that I'm sorry you had such a rough day, that I'm thinking about you, sending hugs, and lots of love. Funny how, just over the past few weeks, you have become someone very important in my life. You know that feeling of "instant connection"? yeah, you're one of those people. So I don't mean to get too cheesy on you here, but...I just want you to know that I like who you are immensely, I'm glad I've "met" you, and I hope things get better for you very, very soon!

Somedays, especially on bad days, I want to just put on my shoes and walk forever. It's one of my fantasies to just walk across the country until I hit an ocean...and then, hell, I think it would be great to get on a boat, ride it to the other side, and just keep walking. Glorified Forrest Gump stylies.

Lots of love to you, sister. I hope daylight has brought you some peace.

7:13 a.m.  

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