waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada

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Tuesday, August 22, 2006

the trick is not how much pain you feel, but how much joy you feel.
~erica jong

my heart feels adrift on the ocean of my body, a tiny rowboat fast taking on water.

i've cried so much in the past 4 hours i was worried, at one point, that i wouldn't stop. this sadness is more than just the loneliness i thought it was; it feels like if you broke my bones, tears would seep out instead of marrow.

where is this coming from?

the sky i walked under tonight was royal blue, but back-lit so i could count every cloud. i passed one woman walking her dog; other than that, the streets were empty. each step i took was the same question.

what do i do?

at first i figured i was sad because i haven't seen any of my real-life friends in a while. i haven't heard from my family in a while, either - and while most of the time i'm okay with nobody beating down my door, lately the silence has been deafening.

i have a good idea of the direction my feelings are taking me; it's an inevitable course, leading in a variety of maudlin directions up to the anniversary of my mom's death. wandering tonight, i kept smelling the hospital, and seeing my younger self sitting there holding her hand, as though just my weight would keep her anchored to earth.

i know i wrote a while back that i have to trust that the universe can hold me when i need to be held, but now, i need to be held by someone.

i need to remember the joy in my life; there is so much to be grateful for. i'm poisoning it by holding on to hurt.

when you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. when you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
~kahlil gibran

7 Comments:

Blogger ruby said...

oh bee, i feel for you right now...the worst is when you feel bad or shameful about feeling bad -- be patient with yourself and remember to let yourself "drift." hugs to you...

8:48 PM  
Anonymous clare said...

I'm so sorry to hear this, Bee. It will get better. It's true what they say, time is a great healer - sounds trite I know, but it's true.

1:25 AM  
Blogger Susannah said...

my love, i don't think you poison it by holding on to the hurt - far from it - it's only by feeling the hurt properly (when it is we need to do that) that you release it. a little always lingers on, but that's what makes us human and not robots. hugs to you sweetie x

3:32 AM  
Blogger bee said...

thanks, everybody. i appreciate your thoughts. i'm trying to be reflective and not leak as much today - we'll see how this strategy works.

7:39 AM  
Blogger Jessie said...

strange how emotions have a way of creeping up and then surprising us like that, isn't it. sometimes i'm amazed by the way little things spider-web themselves into other things until finally it becomes difficult to know where to begin unraveling it all.

but, bee, know that you are loved. know that you are not alone. know that tomorrow is another day and that these tears release the pain you're feeling.

let the tears flow until they turn into laughter! i'm sending a hug, dear friend.
luv,
j.

8:59 AM  
Blogger Jessie said...

strange how emotions have a way of creeping up and then surprising us like that, isn't it. sometimes i'm amazed by the way little things spider-web themselves into other things until finally it becomes difficult to know where to begin unraveling it all.

but, bee, know that you are loved. know that you are not alone. know that tomorrow is another day and that these tears release the pain you're feeling.

let the tears flow until they turn into laughter! i'm sending a hug, dear friend.
luv,
j.

8:59 AM  
Blogger Jessie said...

(oops--sorry)
:P

8:59 AM  

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