waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Tuesday, August 29, 2006

when one lives without fear, one cannot be broken. when one lives with fear, one is broken before one begins to live.
~james frey

i found a copy of a million little pieces on the road last week and started reading it again a few days ago. as i was telling met yesterday, i read it before it became an oprah's book club selection or before it came to light that it wasn't exactly his memoir. i loved it the first time i read it. it's written in very interesting diction, and i like how dead-pan (no pun intended) his descriptions of addiction are.
if i am tempted to read books a second time, i usually am not as charmed with them as i was the first time, and this has been no different. it is still compelling, but i find myself getting a little frustrated with his stylistic "inventions" and skimming a bit more than i'd like to.

i found that quote this morning before i left for my therapy appointment, and i sat there sort of thunderstruck. the books i have been reading this week have been showing me signs, making me understand that there was some sort of subconscious reason why i picked them up, and that, today, well, that was it.
i spend so much of my waking life thinking that the fear i feel is weakening me, when it really doesn't to - it could be a harbinger of growth. it is a harbinger of growth.

can you tell i like that word? harbingerharbingerharbingerharbinger.

def: One that indicates or foreshadows what is to come; a forerunner.tr.v., -gered, -gerĀ·ing, -gers.
To signal the approach of; presage.
[Middle English herbengar, person sent ahead to arrange lodgings, from Old French herbergeor, from herbergier, to provide lodging for, from herberge, lodging, of Germanic origin.]

other than that, met and i got tattoos yesterday. not anything matching of course, no names or anything that tacky, but we got tattoos. mine is rather...ahem...large, so i need to get it filled in in a few weeks, but the outline is there. i'll post the pictures tomorrow, when, thank god, my internet connection will hopefully be back up.

2 Comments:

Blogger Scott said...

Interested in seeing what the large tattoo is. Pretty cool stuff.

Fear is everywhere. I remember reading about the Samurai and what they train their minds to do is take all of their fear and place it at the end of their sword and then use that fear and that energy to accomplish their goals. I like that idea.

Scott

11:36 AM  
Blogger Jessie said...

I've been wondering about that book. A friend read it, told me about it, but never said if it was any good or not. The cover draws me to it everytime. I'm a sucker for cover art! Your comments on the book are equally ambivalent...so I'm still left as curious as ever. Maybe I should just read the damn book, ey?!

As for fear...I've been thinking about what I do with fear a lot lately too. Or rather, what I let fear to do me. Or....I haven't quite got to the epiphany part, but I like what you say about it. The potential of growth through fear is slightly exciting.

Are your going to post a photo of you new tattoo when it's finshed? Hope so! :)

7:22 AM  

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