waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada


Wednesday, September 06, 2006

the past few days have been intense for me, to say the least. yesterday was the first day of classes - an entry level psych class that promises to be pretty fluffy, but i need it as a breadth requirement; and my most-looked-forward-to of all poetry workshop*. there was a 9 hour break in between them which i filled up with both kinds of therapy, a house-cleaning, and a long shower. i was up and moving from 6 am until 2 am. and i got up this morning at 5. the insomnia is back, ladies and gentlemen.

both therapies yesterday (by which i mean psychological and physiological) centred around pain. flood, my physiotherapist, has been on vacation for a while, so i haven't been treated in two weeks. this meant dread, and aches built up as the weeks progressed. for some reason, my left forearm seized up, my hip was tight, my back was affected - they all felt like they were burning. for days. i couldn't sleep; i was nauseous.

admission i am making for the first time here: sometimes i'm worried that i'm creating this. that most of my pain, if not all of it, is psychosomatic - is this normal, i wonder? can it all be projected by a tender part of the brain?

it's real. flood reassured me of that yesterday when his hands found me for the first time in a while. my body was in a prolonged spastic state, basically.

i've had nightmares about it, because not only does my body itself worry me, but i worry about burdening other people with it. there are not many people in my 'real' life who i trust with these feelings. i don't want to be the person always in pain. i don't want the pain, period.

i was alone throughout most of the day today - i've spent most of the time since 10 around campus as i live too far away to commute. and i've been THINKING. being sad, and a bit despairing, until i realized that i was fighting feeling sad and a bit despairing. i was telling myself, "no, i shouldn't be feeling this way. i should accept it. i should be at peace with it."

when that's not exactly my truth right now. it's hard for me to admit that to people, to myself, and it's why i'm blogging about it right now - i want to be held accountable. i AM sad. and a bit despairing. my body might wear out earlier than i want it to, so i might not be able to be an 80-year-old grandma drinking gin on the porch with my beautiful sister in the house we wanted to share.

mortality weighs on me tonight. september 8 is the day that my mother actually died, but today is the day that the doctors broke it to my sister and i. today is the day when i realized that the scaled-back meals that the candy stripers handed out to her meant not that my mother wasn't eating, but that she didn't need to be nourished. it's a weird time for me. little firebombs of memory keep going off, and i just want to hide, a bit.

i started to write out this phrase: this is what i want, and then erased what i had written. i know EXACTLY what would comfort me right now, and i know it's a bandaid solution, but it's right there in front of me, so tactile i can almost touch it. i can't write it down yet, though. i have problems owning what i want. but not what i'm feeling, not anymore.

i am feeling a little sad, yes. and i'm hurting a little bit now. but hopeful, too, again. maybe.

*my poetry workshop is my DREAM class. however, that might change. but i'll be less ambiguous later.


Blogger Jessie said...

there are days that i just want to be sad also. and every once in awhile i grant myself the permission to do so. actually, this morning was one of those mornings. my head hurt like hell and i knew my day would be wasted...so i just stayed in bed (for several hours longer than normal). i decided to curl up like a little baby and just be miserable and sad. and damnit if it didn't make me feel better. weird. in the end it turned out to be a really good day. i don't get it, but....

i'm sending love.

7:46 p.m.  
Blogger Sacred Suzie said...

Oh Bee, I'm sorry to hear that this is such a difficult time for you. Memories of loss and suffering are very hard to handle, I know. So is living with constant pain. I suffer in silence most of the time too, I don't like dwelling on how bad it hurts.

But sadness, we must deal with sadness. We must be sad at times and sit with it. Let it happen, let it be. Then get up and move forward with less weight to carry.

10:16 a.m.  
Blogger Scott said...

I love how your posts are progressing, the sharing and openness are great and I see a lot of strength coming from you as a result.

Keep up the good fight.


1:14 p.m.  
Blogger ruby said...

oh, bee, i am sending you a big hug and hoping that you are taking care of yourself during the rough times...i'm holding you close to my heart these days..

4:55 p.m.  

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