waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Monday, November 06, 2006

how to survive fourth year without ever writing a paper

...because that's apparently what i'm doing. i've read both the damn plays, twice, i have an outline and a thesis in my head, i'm even somewhat interested in the topic (which for shakespeare says a lot). and....nothing. i'm tied in knots because this will be the first paper i'll have written this year. and right after this one i have a paper worth 75% of my final grade due in a week. (it's worth that much due to similar, bee's-losing-her-mind circumstances, when the prof graciously waived the assignment i simply couldn't write.)
university is fun, because even though you need time off, you just don't get it. ever.

it's also really hard for me because i invest a lot of my self-worth into being a good student. and when i'm exhausted all the time and stressed out about money and making sure i eat well - there's not a lot of psychic energy left over. i'm finding myself wanting to be a good student - but being really lazy about it because when i get home - all i want to do is eat something pre-made before my eyes close.

i'm just kicking my own ass a variety of different ways, i guess. which apparently isn't working.

i've been having all sorts of discomfiting dreams. dreams that feel like they're happening in real life, but haven't. lots have been about the yukon, because before banane left she stuck up all these photos of from when i visited her there. (i actually camped on the shoreline of that lake in the photo. the yukon is, quite simply, the most spiritually gorgeous and riveting place i have ever been to.)
some have been about met. (quelle surprise) - dreams where my insecurity has been coming to light in some extremely unflattering ways.
dreams about bloggers.
so today it feels like my head is tied up in knots. i'm trying to pull one end, but it's resisting, and curling back up into its snarl.
met just told me that i have to figure out why i'm blocking myself - i guess, my fears of abandonment are the biggest and the most deeply rooted, so why i'm not able to let those go - and then let it go.
i'm interested in knowing if anybody has had any success with this? because what i'm trying just isn't working...but maybe it's just that i'm trying...

2 Comments:

Blogger Jane Poe (aka Deborah) said...

I know it's tough when your heads a bit knotted up and moving from thought to action is a bit overwhelming. I worked with a wonderful woman who suggested some strategies. First, write an intention, for example, I intend to write my outline this week and give myself the gift of completion for this step. You may also want to look at what you is blocking you by finishing the following sentence, I have not been writing my paper because... Sometimes just putting these thoughts, fears or reasons down on paper helps to diminish them and help deal with them. The most important thing, which easier done than said, is to believe in yourself as much as the rest of us believe in you. And if you can't right now, just fake it :-) ... much peace, love and good thoughts to you, JP

8:10 AM  
Blogger Jessie said...

#1: writing the death out of something you like until you can't remember what was so good about it in the first place.

#2: never-ever-no-matter-what feeling like there's nothing actually hanging over your head.

#3: comparing self-worth to favorable responses from teachers.

#4: eating like crap because there's no time or energy left at the end of the day to do any better.

#5: having weird dreams...

oh bee, these are the things that i can sooooooooooooooooo relate to about being in school. god, i pity you for having to write a 10 page shakespeare paper and book reports and whatever. but i gotta ask...do you like the Life of Pi? if i remember right, you weren't too excited about it in the beginning. i loved that book. don't ask me why. i think it's because of that little scene somewhere in the beginning involving cigarettes (just the mention of a brand? i'm not sure...i can't remember) and BAM it brought me right back to india...i felt like i was walking right at pi's side. the rest i suppose a person could love it or leave it...but by that point i was already sucked in.

poor pi. what a strange tale he tells.
poor bee. so many papers to write. :(

but hey---some of the best thinking takes place in a bath tub filled with bubbled. have you tried that yet? ;)
love ya,
j.

8:29 PM  

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