waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada

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Friday, November 03, 2006

it will be ok. love, me.

mornings are a bit hard. i've been letting myself get the sleep that i need (lots) so i wake up early...sun shining through the golden leaves of the tree that my window frames, a heavy cat spooning me and purring, and that aching mouth inside of me.

i think i'm worried because today, beyond other things, my life has to get back on track. i have to go to work, go back to the hospital to pick up my note for school, pay my tuition, and come home and start work on a paper that is due on monday. ugh. i wish sometimes there was a button i could push on my life to pause it while i went around at my own speed, catching up.

one of the realizations that i have made in the past few days is that i have a little too much on my plate right now - a lot of it is going to have to go. i'm going to decide what soon.

yesterday was a nice day. it's been sunny, and i went for a walk to a starbucks to meet with a counsellor. she's young and we got hot chocolate and talked for an hour. she wants me to live in the group home that the organization has set up in the area, but respected my refusal - i want my own space. my own space seems intrinsic to this healing.

i got home after doing a little bit of shopping and met checked in with me. we talked for a while: about what's going on with me, with him, with our relationship - which i guess is a lot stronger than my insecurity has been leading me to believe. his "questioning of the relationship" stems from his belief that blind faith in something is a lot more fickle than something that he has concrete answers for. the distance that he asked for is, in essence, space so that he doesn't get completely overwhelmed.

i said that the "questioning" scared me, because "well, i guess because i don't really like myself all that much, and i'm afraid that you won't like the real me either."

he said: "bee, i know, but you're one of the most incredible women i've ever met. it's okay."

he asked if he could come over to give me a hug, i said yes...and he brought me flowers. it's the first time anybody's brought me flowers before - they're huge. and beautiful. i put them on my kitchen table and the whole entrance way smells like them. i felt like a princess. i wish i knew what kinds they are, but i'm only good enough to identify the white rose and the orange tulip.

...the anxiety's building a little bit right now. i think because i felt the words, i felt like a princess, and then that voice piped in, he only brought you flowers because you got sick and tried to take that feeling away. but i really felt like one. special. and that's a strange, new feeling.

i wanted to thank you all, for reading and commenting. i appreciate all your support, so very very much, and it means the world to me.

8 Comments:

Blogger Deb R said...

It made me smile that Met brought you flowers. (Did you take a photo of them?) And I like that he explained to you what the questioning was about. Now that I read where he's coming from that actually makes a lot of sense to me and I hope it does to you as well and maybe won't feel quite so scary now. Still sending you lots and lots of good thoughts every day, Bee~~~~~

6:26 a.m.  
Anonymous ceanandjen said...

Flowers and affirmation of how incerdible met thinks you are...good stuff indeed. Don't overthing the flowers honey,just enjoy them and breath in those princess vibes. He brought them because he wanted to make you feel special...and you did! :-)

Reevaluting the stuff on your plate makes so much good sense right now. It is definitely time to rearrange and clean up a bit so that you can focus on the most important items in your existance.

Everyday something good is happening...so happy for you!!!

Love to you...xoxoxo

8:23 a.m.  
Blogger kerry said...

bee, i think you're special already and i've only just begun to get to know only tiny glimpses of you. your kindness alone in the midst of your own hard struggles proves what a gentle heart you have. i am grateful to have this connection to you. i hope your paper goes well and that you get time to relax this weekend.

8:46 a.m.  
Blogger Jessie said...

wow, girl. you have been through a hell of a lot in the past day and a half since i last checked your blog. it's strange how sometimes our lives need to come crashing up against a door or a wall or a bottom or an event or just something before we can slow it down long enough to catch our breath and somehow put our feet back on the ground.

there is so much to you. you are such a richly, beautifully, complicated, loving human being. i'm glad to see that you've decided to take your journey towards healing with words. and i hope that someday soon you can love yourself as much as i love you. you are so full of life--you leave nothing out. you are passionate and loving... and, damn girl, i am glad to be your friend.

take good care of yourself. i mean, take EXTRA good care of yourself. keep writing. drink the finest tea. sleep well. and know that you are loved.

10:18 a.m.  
Blogger Spiky Zora Jones said...

sweet bee...that is wonderful. i love to get flowers. that was so nice of him. i agree with met...you are a wonderful woman. he gave you flowers and that came from his heart.
i love tulips and daffodils. i love wild flowers. funny that i don't care for bouquets of roses. i am though moved to tears when presented with a single rose, don't know why? hum.
Bee...you rock. hugs for you babes. have a fab weekend.

12:47 p.m.  
Blogger Cheryl said...

I like that he brought you flowers. He didn't have to do that.

You are amazing. Keep sending yourself that message, ok?

3:16 p.m.  
Blogger b/sistersshoes said...

You're right bee...the universe does let us choose. But you are one tough woman and I have no doubt that you will choose what is right. I like your commitment to post everyday. We care deeply for you and this puts you into a very positive place. Be proud of yourself for this :)

Yes, enjoy the flowers, their smell and feeling like a princess...you are all that and more

sending hope and prayers my love,
XXX darlene

6:53 p.m.  
Anonymous Sacred Suzie said...

Bee, you are doing amazing self-help work my friend. It's good that you have someone in your life who cares for you and I am sure those flowers were because he wants you to know how much he cares for you. You deserve that!

8:18 p.m.  

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