it will be ok. love, me.

mornings are a bit hard. i've been letting myself get the sleep that i need (lots) so i wake up early...sun shining through the golden leaves of the tree that my window frames, a heavy cat spooning me and purring, and that aching mouth inside of me.

i think i'm worried because today, beyond other things, my life has to get back on track. i have to go to work, go back to the hospital to pick up my note for school, pay my tuition, and come home and start work on a paper that is due on monday. ugh. i wish sometimes there was a button i could push on my life to pause it while i went around at my own speed, catching up.

one of the realizations that i have made in the past few days is that i have a little too much on my plate right now - a lot of it is going to have to go. i'm going to decide what soon.

yesterday was a nice day. it's been sunny, and i went for a walk to a starbucks to meet with a counsellor. she's young and we got hot chocolate and talked for an hour. she wants me to live in the group home that the organization has set up in the area, but respected my refusal - i want my own space. my own space seems intrinsic to this healing.

i got home after doing a little bit of shopping and met checked in with me. we talked for a while: about what's going on with me, with him, with our relationship - which i guess is a lot stronger than my insecurity has been leading me to believe. his "questioning of the relationship" stems from his belief that blind faith in something is a lot more fickle than something that he has concrete answers for. the distance that he asked for is, in essence, space so that he doesn't get completely overwhelmed.

i said that the "questioning" scared me, because "well, i guess because i don't really like myself all that much, and i'm afraid that you won't like the real me either."

he said: "bee, i know, but you're one of the most incredible women i've ever met. it's okay."

he asked if he could come over to give me a hug, i said yes...and he brought me flowers. it's the first time anybody's brought me flowers before - they're huge. and beautiful. i put them on my kitchen table and the whole entrance way smells like them. i felt like a princess. i wish i knew what kinds they are, but i'm only good enough to identify the white rose and the orange tulip.

...the anxiety's building a little bit right now. i think because i felt the words, i felt like a princess, and then that voice piped in, he only brought you flowers because you got sick and tried to take that feeling away. but i really felt like one. special. and that's a strange, new feeling.

i wanted to thank you all, for reading and commenting. i appreciate all your support, so very very much, and it means the world to me.