waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada

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Tuesday, October 31, 2006

revelation

i didn't go to either of my classes today. i meant to - i truly meant to - but i just felt like a bit of a train wreck. i put my energy towards renting a movie, making a collage, and thinking, both to myself and with a good friend.

right now i would characterize myself as very depressed; i think that's obvious. what's amazing me is how quickly i fell. i've known that i was out of balance for a while, but it settled around me tonight: i'm out of balance. once i knew that i could start thinking about how to fix it.

it dawned on me that i am putting a LOT of energy towards something that i have not been asked to give energy towards. (forgive me, i can't be more specific than that.) this energetic exchange is completely one-sided, and is draining the very essence out of me.

talk about having no boundaries...

the first boundary that goes up is separating myself from this, which is simple: understanding the role that's been asked of me.
once that's done, i should have a lot of energy left over; energy for school, my writing, my health, my life.

the second revelation i just thought of: met wants me to turn to him with my problems, not rely on him for finding a solution. in my head, as i've been getting more and more insecure, i think i've been expecting unrealistic things from him. i do need and want to take care of my own problems.

i feel like it's a bit easier to breathe now; the ice around my heart has cracked. i also have to give myself the patience to fall. to understand that everything is cyclical, and that i may resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms from time to time. but it will be okay. i am making progress.

7 Comments:

Blogger kerry said...

you write about something i experience as so overwhelming and vague with incredible clarity and hope. i'm sorry to read you are hurting.
your image of the ice around your heart cracking is so powerful, and so clear to me. and your mention of needing boundaries to preserve your energy...again, so clear and making sense.
your words help me maybe just as much as they help you. i'm wishing random bouts of joy and peace coming your way.

9:24 PM  
Anonymous ceanandjen said...

Bee, I am so glad to hear that while you a day of deep introspection, you came out on the other side of realizing so many important things. And yes, there are days..sometimes weeks when we don't deal with things in the best manner, but no matter, because we are human, and it is, as you say cyclical. Sending you peaceful thoughts tonight....

xoxoxox

11:35 PM  
Blogger Susannah said...

angel, i understand. i understand to the every core of my being. i am sending you the biggest hug right now, and when i get back from my trip i will be emailing you and checking in.... be gentle with yourself, okay? gentle... i love you xo

12:28 AM  
Blogger Deb R said...

I think the revelations you describe are huge, truly, and I'm proud of you. I'd call that progress indeed! {{{Bee}}}

6:15 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

You have such insight into yourself Bee. It always amazes me when I read your posts.

Scott

6:25 AM  
Blogger Jessie said...

something that strikes me about this post is that "met wants me to turn to him with my problems, not rely on him for finding a solution."...there's a lot of wisdom here. it feels like a light bulb revelation.

another thing is that i am amazed by how elequently you are able to write about what is going on inside of you. i admire you for your ability to do this. greatly.

and, also, i'm glad that you played hookey and rented a good movie instead of going to class. maybe one of these weekends you'll be able to afford to skip work too? you deserve it, my dear. and, btw, i love that movie. it might even be worth watching twice. ;)

8:28 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

(((you)))

I have been there. I wish you were not there. But you are brave to look at yourself this way, and it is not for nothing. You will not end up where you are now! This pain and sorrow will fire your soul, and leave you strong. Just take care of yourself... Be tender.

:)

6:54 PM  

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