waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada

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Tuesday, October 31, 2006

down the rabbit hole

i have to apologize before i start this in case it becomes a oh, woe is me post. i'm scared. scared to own these feelings because i fear it will lose me every friend that i've ever met. i don't know how people think of me but i know that the woman i am in public is not the person i am here. here i am the real me. i don't know who the hell she is.

one of the things that banane and i talked about when she was here is that she (and a lot of my friends) feel that by dating my boyfriend, i have cut myself off from all my friends and become isolated. all i can say is, i followed my heart here. to him. all the depression and isolation that i feel i guess i've been adept at hiding. from everyone. including myself.

this is the biggest issue in my relationship right now. because of the thing i don't talk about here, i have shielded met from a lot of my depression. and now things are blowing up a little, because he shouldn't be expected to read my confused mind and i need to be able to trust him with everything. every little part of me.

but nobody's ever accepted the whole me before...and if he rejected me...

right now i'm achingly achingly sad. my soulmate is questioning our relationship because he's hurt that i've been hiding my feelings from him. i've been hiding my feelings from him because i wanted to protect him, not stress him out...good intentions, right? the very thing i thought i was preventing is happening. and i did it to myself.

we are are own worst enemy, after all.

i don't like who i am, a lot of the time. i don't like that i wake up sad. i don't like that i don't have a good reason to wake up sad. i don't like that i can never be happy with what i have.

i hear what people tell me. they tell me that i'm a good person, that i am generous and kind and funny. that i'm a talented writer, that i'm smart, that i'm stronger than i think. but it doesn't fit. it doesn't fit with the girl who doesn't see any of that about herself. she sees crooked. she sees weak. she sees not important enough not good enough. she sees alone, misunderstood no matter what she does or how honest she tries to be.

what am i supposed to do? met tells me i'm safe with him, but yet i can't be if he's questioning things. i. need. to. feel. safe. with. him.

i was right. the hole is too big. i can't fill it and nobody else can. nobody else should have to. it's just going to open and i might put up sandbags (therapy! pills! yoga! art!) but those are just going to be stopgaps. i'm going to fall in. and never stop. and it's only a matter of time.

why am i this sad? why don't i at least have a reason to be this way? i just want to stop crying, to stop hoping for the day when i will wake up and this will all be over, because it's not going to be.

to all the people who know me that might be reading this: yes i am a different person than i was. i am different than i was when i was dating the hobbit. but even then i was depressed. i remember sitting in our apartment in ottawa and staying so-still after a friend knocked on the door, because all i needed was to be left alone. i couldn't talk about it then. for months i withdrew, and only the hobbit saw. he would tell me that our friends loved me and that i should go outside, but i'd literally scream and sob and ask him not to make me. so he'd smile his sweet, sad loving smile and go downstairs and make excuses for me.

how long did this happen for? a long time? anybody who is reading this - ask yourself if a friend has suddenly dropped off the face of the planet. chances are, they're locked up tight in their apartment, crying, not having showered for days, just wondering how the hell they got there and why they are wasting their lives.

i've had many conversations with people who just....think that depression is something that you can steel yourself for, and get over. if you have ever been truly, truly depressed, you know what bullshit that is. it gets you where you least expect it, sometimes when you're feeling the strongest. i blog about my depression a lot, i realize. it's the thing i go to sleep with. i'm sorry that it's such a downer. there's a joke in there somewhere...

there is nothing i can do that is a lasting solution. i'm tired. tired of crying, of being a drain on my friends, on asking for too much.

i could go on writing and writing forever. i wish i was strong. i wish i could just be myself. who cares if people like me? i think it would be really nice if i could just let me out. whoever that is. but it feels like there is too much. too much me.

and my skin is too thin to hold it all.

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7 Comments:

Blogger Jessie said...

i am going to write you a nice, long e-mail very, very soon. but right now let me say this as simply as possible:

i love you.

ok? just know that. for now, just know that you are loved.

10:27 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thank you for this bee. you are not alone. i understand so well each and every word you've expressed here. my head is a bit too foggy to articulate what i want to say. i just want you to know that your life matters even though the question marks come. please take care.

10:35 a.m.  
Blogger Spiky Zora Jones said...

Oh sweet, sweet bee, I feel so sad. I’ve been away and your post breaks my heart to see you hurt. I’ve had a similar past so I know of that hurt. Saturday I went on a jog and as I ran in the park I stopped and I went to one knee and I cried. I wanted to lie down and sleep. I wanted the ghost of my past to fade away. I didn’t want to think anymore but my memories betray me. a man stopped and asked if i was okay...yes I said. "Sorry." Why am I apologizing? Something mother taugh me, be the polite Southern lady and make people around you feel comfortable. she had a way of occupying my mind. I know i drift at times. Anyway...yes we stumble and all, but we are warriors women, bee. We don’t know how or why but we stand up and we do it all again, because like a pendulum the happiness we feel is just as great as the sadness we feel at times. Lots and lots of mental hugs for you sweetie.

10:39 a.m.  
Blogger bee said...

thanks. i'm finding it so hard to be myself right now. i did something this morning that i haven't done in a long time and when i was honest about it, met told me he couldn't handle it if every time we had an argument i used that coping mechanism.

how am i supposed to be honest in every moment if i'm so afraid of rejection? oh, i don't know anymore.

10:57 a.m.  
Blogger ruby said...

oh bee, my eyes filled with tears while reading this. i wish you didn't feel the need to apologize for feeling what you do. i wish i had a magic wand because i would take all the pain away...an email is coming to you soon. ((((big hug))))

6:32 p.m.  
Blogger Cheshire Cat said...

All the things you've said, i've felt at some point. I was . . . seriously depressed for a while, and it still comes back once in a while. but sometimes, i realize, it's nice to feel sad for no reason. sometimes, i just need an "Eeyore Day," and that's ok. Sometimes, i want to walk home in the pouring rain. i can't be happy (or sad) all the time. moods change, and it's ok to wake up sad and crying for no reason at all. I know i do it and reading your post makes it easier, knowing that i'm not the only one.

11:53 p.m.  
Blogger Hulles said...

You said:

"how long did this happen for? a long time? anybody who is reading this - ask yourself if a friend has suddenly dropped off the face of the planet. chances are, they're locked up tight in their apartment, crying, not having showered for days, just wondering how the hell they got there and why they are wasting their lives."

You described this perfectly and yes, me too. As others have said here, I intend to send you a longer email. Until then, you should be proud that you can say all of this in a public forum. I write my ass off, but I can't (or haven't yet) dealt with any of the stuff you talk about publicly. Good work.

You have a wonderful heart and soul; please take some time to nuture them, whatever it takes. Didn't say it well, but hugs anyway.

12:47 p.m.  

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