waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada

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Monday, October 30, 2006

let's just say i magically turned 28 and not talk of it again

writing this i feel so tired that it's a wonder my eyes are staying open.

my birthday didn't exactly turn out as i'd planned, or hoped...but i've got to trust in the fact that it was the one i needed to have. it was beautiful and harsh and healing and challenging and i learned a lot of lessons from it. namely, that i am so fucked up over trust and honesty issues in terms of relationships that i don't even know where to begin explaining it.

i've been crying for a full 24 hours, it feels like. i cried all morning yesterday when i woke up alone in my apartment. i cried until banane got back around 2. met didn't come over. banane and i talked a lot about how insanely, all-the-time insecure i am, and i had to deal with some fucking harsh truths about myself. we had some cake from the diner down the street. she gave me a massage with the arnica oil that she made.

woke up today with her spooning me and held the tears in until i dropped her off at the metro station. then they spilled again - i cried in the metro station, i cried in the bathroom of the cafe where the meeting i had to go to was being held, i cried in my prose workshop. i cried these huge wracking sobs all the way home. i went to sleep for a while. i woke up and had a conversation that still isn't resolved in which i found out exactly how bad i am at this whole relationship thing.

there is something going on in my life that i can't talk about here, because it doesn't concern me. it affects my life GREATLY but it doesn't concern me and out of respect for the people actually involved i leave a wide berth around it.
on a day to day basis i try to protect other people from the sadness and insecurity i feel. all the time. i try to cast it in a positive light, i try to project that "i'm a warrior and i'll fight this" attitude, but every day i wake up with that hole. for no good, this is the reason i feel this way reason.

it is extremely hard for me to bring it up to people if: a) i'm worried that it's becoming a constant thing, b) i don't think it's important enough to mention. i mean, if it was important enough, don't you think it would have a reason?

i've had a life that has been beautiful, in lots of ways, and harsh in lots of ways.

i have been sexually and physically abused several different times by the hands of people who said they loved me.
i found out that the 'weak side' i had growing up was actually c.p. when i was twenty-two. people who loved me kept that (i'd think) very important detail from me. not only that, but they told me to lie to people about my abilities if i felt uncomfortable about them.

i remember all these little instances of my life when i was flexing my little bee-wings and being my own true self and getting criticized for it. getting shut up for it. so it's fucking hard to be me.

it's hard to tell myself that all my emotions are important and worthy of mention to the people who care about me. it's hard to own them. it's hard to tell myself that i am worth it when it feels like, (sometimes) nobody else who has loved me has truly honoured me. i'm just continuing a pattern.

be patient with me as i build my broken heart again. i need the space and understanding.

9 Comments:

Blogger Cheshire Cat said...

oooh Bee. This post is so sad. It brought tears to my eyes. I just want to reach out and hug you and tell you just how special you are. I looked up CP on wikapedia because i didn't know what it was. Since i've started reading your blog, i've learned so many things about you and it makes me realize how little i knew you and how little we talked when you were here. I wish i'd spent more time with you when you lived here.

9:57 p.m.  
Anonymous ceanandjen said...

Bee, you take all the time you need to mend your sweet heart..and feel whatever you need to feel to get through this difficult time you are going through. I am so very sorry that your birthday did not turn out the way you had hoped. I pray that down the road, it will all have been this way for a greater purpose.

Much love to you...xoxox

10:43 p.m.  
Blogger Superhero Activist said...

dearest, I am sorry I wasn't here when you needed to talk.

If you're happy, I'm happy; If you're sad, I'm sad. Please, please never shield me from any of you.

I am going to continue to share the psychobabble they spew at me in therapy, perhaps between the two of us, we can make sense of what it means in each our lives, respectively. I've been there. Hell, I'm still there. Just know I am holding your hand right now, thinking of you, and if there was a way I could take on your pain, I would do it - in a heartbeat. You're my cosmic twin darling, we have to be there for one another.

You astound me every day. Your capacity to feel things as deeply as you do, the way you time and time again open your heart and give yourself freely to people to share in the beauty that is you - that is a gift, a strength all its own. And it's one the opens you up to heartache and disappointment, and why do you do it? Because you're you, you're wonderful. You don't want to simply take something from life, you want to give something back - and that truly is a gift few can claim.

It breaks my heart not to offer you the shoulder I so desperately want you cry on, but soon. Soon we can share in the laughter, the tears, the utter ridiculousness of our own lives at times and savor coffee, and be in the here and now, and take a piece of it as our own.

Until then, I walk with you in spirit and dry the tears from your eyes whenever you need me. And call, even if it is 1 am to let me know you need to talk online. I will be here. Whenever. Wherever. Lean on me when you need.

J.

1:24 a.m.  
Blogger Claire said...

Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart, take all the time you need...

If I was on the right side of the Atlantic I would sweep round, scoop you up and take you for cake and red wine and let you chat your little heart out.

It's OK to be sad - we have to take the lows as well as the highs.

Will email soon, but I have to go drive now - take care of you, darling girl!

Cxx

1:59 a.m.  
Blogger Deb R said...

Aw, sweetie, I'm so sorry your weekend didn't go the way you hoped. Sending good thoughts your way~~~~~
{{{Bee}}}

6:11 a.m.  
Blogger j said...

OWN IT, bee.

Your emotions are worth mentioning. Why? Because they're yours. Because YOU'RE worth it.

I have known you for a long time. You are tough, you are going to make it through this. But to do so, you have to let your self feel all the shit that you have to feel to get through it all... and you have to tell us about it.
xoxo

6:28 a.m.  
Blogger ruby said...

i hope that 28 brings you many new opportunities to connect with people who love the real you. i adore those bits of you that i have encountered so far...every last bit of them...hugs, lovely...

6:46 a.m.  
Blogger bee said...

brenda ~ don't worry. i've been hugely, clinically depressed for years now - with lots of ups and downs, and when we were living at bayside, i was incredibly withdrawn and hurting. but i love you and i knew that the friendship we made at that time would last forever.

jen~ thank you. i think i'm starting to realize why it turned out that way.

john~ you know, i think that's the secret. i think i was shielding someone i shouldn't have been (both me and someone else) from my true feelings and what the past few days have been teaching me is i can't do that anymore.

claire~ that would be truly, truly lovely. in fact, i think we should have a virtual red wine date very soon. thank you for everything.

deb~ thank you. your words of support mean a lot to me.

j~ reading over your words almost made me cry. again. you do realize we've known each other almost half our lives? crappity. that's a lot. you, my dear, are a gem. and i'm learning that lesson FAST, let me tell you.

ruby~ love you, dear heart. your letter is coming, but it will have to wait until the essay for this week is in the bag...

8:43 a.m.  
Blogger Scott said...

*hugs*

I hope that today is a bit better for you... just a bit even.

It is so important that you do own all of your emotions like you say. They are yours and all have value, the good ones and the bad. Take care of yourself.

Scott

8:47 a.m.  

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