truthday

“happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” ~gandhi

yesterday, i had what can only be described as a breakthrough.

i was writing my morning post, and i had finished it and i looked at it and thought to myself, "this shouldn't be a post. it should be an email." i had made a promise to myself about 3 weeks ago that i wouldn't edit myself here, but a lot of the things that i spoke about in that first draft should have come to the attention of one person before anyone else.

so i deleted it and wrote the most liberating email i have ever written. seriously.

it's been no secret that i've been working on and through a lot of my insecurities in my relationship with met; however, just like anyone who wants to keep up a certain facade, i had done my best to hide these things from him. i think that's part of what precipitated last week.
so i took a deep breath, and wrote it down. every little thing that i was worried about, that i was trying to keep from him because i wanted to be stronger than that. correction: i wanted to appear stronger than that.

when i was done i took another deep breath and sent it before i could change my mind.

what followed was incredible, even by my standards. we essentially talked all day about it. i found out some hard truths that were cushioned by his love for me. (namely, that i was right and when he found out i was less independent than he had originally thought, he was disappointed.)...but i needed to know those things. i also needed to know that i could be myself and he would still love me.
he says all the time (and he's right, mostly) that he sees through the acts i put on for other people, but as i found out last week he can't really decipher things that i purposely try to hide from him. i wasn't sure if my insecurities fell under the first category or the second. anyway, i realized that it was a whole lot of psychic weight that i didn't want to carry around anymore.

i mean, think about it. i was putting a lot of energy into not being myself all the time. i have for a long time, with various people. it was exhausting. and just to put (what i thought were) the most insignificant worries out there: i'm worried that you'll disappear; i don't want to appear needy so i'm holding myself back; i'm worried i love you more than you love me and have them considered and responded to, kindly, by the person i was scared to admit them to - was incredibly, incredibly, incredibly validating.

because when you think of it, even the smallest of concerns can weigh a lot if they're allowed to pile up.

so yesterday was good. very good. i missed my first two classes, but made my prose workshop; there was the most stunning - STUNNING - full moon out, lighting my way home from the bus (i looked up at one point and saw a woman's face in it); i can honestly say that i felt grounded for the first time in a looooong time.

it's not quite over yet. i still feel a few whispers of anxiety right now, but i think it could be because of the work i have to do to catch up in my life. but that is so secondary.