waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada

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Tuesday, November 07, 2006

truthday

“happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” ~gandhi

yesterday, i had what can only be described as a breakthrough.

i was writing my morning post, and i had finished it and i looked at it and thought to myself, "this shouldn't be a post. it should be an email." i had made a promise to myself about 3 weeks ago that i wouldn't edit myself here, but a lot of the things that i spoke about in that first draft should have come to the attention of one person before anyone else.

so i deleted it and wrote the most liberating email i have ever written. seriously.

it's been no secret that i've been working on and through a lot of my insecurities in my relationship with met; however, just like anyone who wants to keep up a certain facade, i had done my best to hide these things from him. i think that's part of what precipitated last week.
so i took a deep breath, and wrote it down. every little thing that i was worried about, that i was trying to keep from him because i wanted to be stronger than that. correction: i wanted to appear stronger than that.

when i was done i took another deep breath and sent it before i could change my mind.

what followed was incredible, even by my standards. we essentially talked all day about it. i found out some hard truths that were cushioned by his love for me. (namely, that i was right and when he found out i was less independent than he had originally thought, he was disappointed.)...but i needed to know those things. i also needed to know that i could be myself and he would still love me.
he says all the time (and he's right, mostly) that he sees through the acts i put on for other people, but as i found out last week he can't really decipher things that i purposely try to hide from him. i wasn't sure if my insecurities fell under the first category or the second. anyway, i realized that it was a whole lot of psychic weight that i didn't want to carry around anymore.

i mean, think about it. i was putting a lot of energy into not being myself all the time. i have for a long time, with various people. it was exhausting. and just to put (what i thought were) the most insignificant worries out there: i'm worried that you'll disappear; i don't want to appear needy so i'm holding myself back; i'm worried i love you more than you love me and have them considered and responded to, kindly, by the person i was scared to admit them to - was incredibly, incredibly, incredibly validating.

because when you think of it, even the smallest of concerns can weigh a lot if they're allowed to pile up.

so yesterday was good. very good. i missed my first two classes, but made my prose workshop; there was the most stunning - STUNNING - full moon out, lighting my way home from the bus (i looked up at one point and saw a woman's face in it); i can honestly say that i felt grounded for the first time in a looooong time.

it's not quite over yet. i still feel a few whispers of anxiety right now, but i think it could be because of the work i have to do to catch up in my life. but that is so secondary.

9 Comments:

Blogger ruby said...

i'm so proud of you, bee! it's not easy to put yourself on the line like that, but i'm glad that you are beginning to trust yourself (and met) enough to be willing to do it, even tho it's scary. ....and i was staring at that same stunning moon right along with you....just many miles away...

8:11 AM  
Blogger a m y said...

Good for you! I know how scary it is to put yourself out there, and also how frightening it is to admit that you have needs. But good for you for putting them out there honestly...and I am glad that his reaction was positive. And even I saw the moon last night...all the way in California :)

8:41 AM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

I'm so happy for you. And proud too. I know that can't have been easy, breakthroughs never are. But they are worth it.

Also, just wanted to remind you of this, which I saw on another blog and it helped me today:

Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way. The only reason someone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you. There are at least 2 people in this world that would die for you. You mean the world to someone.

Someone that you don’t even know exists loves you. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look again. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget the rude remarks.

10:00 AM  
Blogger Sacred Suzie said...

What amazing progress. It's true, not being ourselves 100% is exhausting, we need to relax into the truth of who we are to heal. Sometimes I hate it but it's very true, LOL.

Way to go Bee, that took such courage but you sound so much better. Big hug!

10:33 AM  
Blogger Deb R said...

That sounds like a good day, Bee. Not a fun day, but a *good* one. I'm proud of you.

I liked your comment about the moon too. I've never really got how people see a man's face there when the moon's face is so clearly feminine.

10:41 AM  
Blogger Spiky Zora Jones said...

(i wanted to be stronger than that. correction: i wanted to appear stronger than that.)

sweet sweet bee, you are stronger than that. This post is proof of that. i'm so very proud of you sweetie, you rock...babes.

3:08 PM  
Blogger b/sistersshoes said...

Wow bee...I know this was hard for you...but the most appreciated experiences we get in life are the ones we have to work for.

I'm so very proud of you :)

smiles
xox darlene

3:38 PM  
Blogger Scott said...

Sounds like such a special and amazing day. SO good to hear it.

Scott

8:24 PM  
Anonymous ceanandjen said...

A beautiful break through indeed! Oh, my heart is so very happy for you. Your purpose has been to move forward and heal, and you are indeed doing that. Amazing and brave and wonderful you!

xoxoxoxo

10:31 PM  

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