waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada


Monday, November 13, 2006

the post where bee uses some sanskrit

this poster hangs by the changing rooms in my yoga studio. it is something i try and look at and meditate on every time i go there - but like everything else i pay attention to, it only registers on my consciousness every so often.

yoga, translated from the sanskrit, means unity - unity with the divine source of love that is god, and the universe. according to patanjali's yoga sutras, (which is basically one of the philosophical texts of yoga, if you're into that sort of thing) there are 5 'colourings of thought' that stand between you and that source of divinity.

the mind is a powerful thing, and god knows why it would want to keep you separate from the union, but there you have it.

i've spoken a lot in this blog about my need to let go - how i think it is one of the things that i am the worst at, and therefore have the most to learn from. when i get all bent out of shape i find it very hard to trust the universe - to understand, as i do when i feel grounded, that there is a reason for all of what is happening in my life, and that on this journey i am where i am supposed to be.

for some reason, when i look at the kleshas, i see how much they stand between me and acceptance, how much they stand between me and actual peace.

1) Avidya, spiritual forgetting, ignorance, veiling:
Vidya is with knowledge: Vidya means knowledge, specifically the knowledge of Truth. It is not a mere mental knowledge, but the spiritual realization that is beyond the mind. When the "A" is put in front of Vidya (to make it Avidya), the "A" means without.
Avidya is without knowledge: Thus, Avidya means without Truth or without knowledge. It is the first form of forgetting the spiritual Reality. It is not just a thought pattern in the conventional sense of a thought pattern. Rather, it is the very ground of losing touch with the Reality of being the ocean of Oneness, of pure Consciousness.

i believe that we are all connected. i think, in a lot of ways, that's why i resonate so much with this community of bloggers. it is the idea of participating in something with my whole, true self, and being acknowledged and identified with for that. it's a constant reminder that yes, other people feel the same way i do, or yes, they can relate. we are so much more similar than we are different.
but yet - there are times when i falter.
i had a very cool dream the other night.
the tree that i can see from my bedroom window has finally lost all its golden leaves, and for some reason as i drifted off i thought it looked like a hand. that image followed me into the dreamworld where the tree (or the universe in disguise) and i were playing a game of trust.
you know, that game where you stand with your back to someone, close your eyes, and fall backwards, trusting that the other person will catch you? that one.
in my dream, i was hesitating, until this unearthly voice came out of nowhere and said, chidingly, "what? you're not going to trust the universe?" at which point i realized how silly i was being, and fell backwards. and was, of course, caught.
we are all part of this universe, all contributing to its energy and forward motion.

2) Asmita, associated with I-ness:
Nature of I-ness: Asmita is the finest form
of individuality. It is not I-am-ness, as when we say, "I am a man or woman," or "I am a person from this or that country". Rather, it is I-ness that has not taken on any of those identities.

i take this to mean when we get involved too much in our own lives, our own small dramas. and man, do i ever. when i start feeling sorry for myself because my body feels sore, or when i think about how long i've been figuring out my depression, or when people tell me how their parents bought them toilet paper and groceries to last a week and i think to myself, "but...i don't have parents like that. i wish i did..."
i feel, although this is simply my interpretation, that asmita and avidya are closely linked.

3) Raga, attraction or drawing to:
Once there is the primary forgetting called Avidya, and the rising of individuality called Asmita, there is now the potential for attachment, or Raga.

oh, lord. can i get a hell yeah?? snippets from my thoughts over the past few months: i don't want to drop one of my five courses, because then i'll have to admit to myself that i'm not a super woman! or i can't write this story - it will never turn out the way i want it to. or i'm worried about my relationship. i know he said he loved me, but that was yesterday. or countless other times when i have not wanted to relinquish control over a situation. which is funny, because i never had control in the first place.

4) Dvesha, aversion or pushing away:
Aversion is actually another form of attachment. It is what we are trying to mentally push away, but that pushing away is also a form of connection, just as much as attachment is a way of pulling towards us.

how many times have i given myself a hard time about feeling a certain way, because i think i shouldn't be? how i tried to dress my pessimistic thoughts in optimistic clothing because i was scared that other people would reject me for them? when i wasn't being honest about where and who i was because....because of some reason. i think that this klesha is here to remind me that the only way i can harm myself, and others, is by not being honest about who i am.
it doesn't mean bashing someone over the head with my version of honesty...but you know what i'm saying.

5) Abhinivesha, resistance to loss, fear:
Once the balance has been attained between the many attractions and aversions, along with having the foundation I-ness and spiritual ignorance, there comes an innate desire to keep things just the way they are.

...um. yeah. i have been known to throw a tantrum or two if things change too quickly.

these are things i'm currently working on, in my meditation practice. watching thoughts come up, and labelling them. seeing what will happen as i label them - whether their impact on me will dissolve somewhat, or not.

...i just got an email from my psych prof. turns out that i have to 1) write a 10-12 page essay and 2) read all the chapters i missed for psych, all by 9 tomorrow. so if i'm quiet for a bit, i'm just drowning in work.

information about the kleshas found here.


Blogger Deb R said...

Whoa, that was fascinating!

Good luck with your work. If you're quiet, I'm going to believe you're swimming through it, not drowning in it, ok? Because if you're really drowning, don't be quiet. Scream out loud! ;-) Good thoughts headed your way, Bee~~~~~~

11:24 a.m.  
Blogger Vesper said...

i found you via the amazing ruby! you are now on my links list! xoxox :)

12:52 p.m.  
Anonymous ceanandjen said...

Goodness girl, what an amazing lesson for us all today! That dream that you had was also quite the lesson!

Good luck with your work...and how did your essay that was due today go?

Productive and warm vibes being send you way honey! xoxoxox

12:52 p.m.  
Blogger b/sistersshoes said...

Do you know what I love about you?
Besides the fact that you, oh so carefully, think things through, making sure you don't miss a beat, you are:

tender hearted
cute as a bug (are bugs really cute?)

and so much more....

I love you bee,
darlene xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

1:24 p.m.  
Blogger Jessie said...

well, if nothing else, i'm glad you did your klesha homework BEFORE drowning yourself in psychology :P

i'm cheering you on, bee. and if i could, i'd deliver coffee drinks to you as needed...and chocolate too...or just anything to help you keep going. dang, just think how GOOD you'll sleep when you're finally finished!

i love you. you can do it!!!

1:29 p.m.  
Blogger ruby said...

sorry i have been so MIA lately...crazy deadlines looming but it's over tomorrow!!! yay! know that i am reading even if i'm not commenting too much. also, i'm having problems with my email in case you've sent me one (hint hint). miss you!

6:39 p.m.  

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