waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada


Sunday, November 12, 2006

you might just want to skip this one

i think the post that i was trying to create is going to have to wait.

i'm so angry right now i don't know what to do with myself. i'm kind of happy i'm angry, rather than depressed, but it still is such a foreign emotion to me. i just got in from some time spent at the library, researching the essay that's due tomorrow - (and worth 75% of my grade) and sitting down, trying to pull together a post before i eat some soup and start writing - just wasn't working. first of all, the mouse for my computer isn't working properly, so it's literally as though i have to sum up all my energy to get the cursor around where i want it on the screen.

maybe it's just that i woke up at 9:33 this morning, when i wanted to go to a yoga class that started at 10 and i live about 20 minutes walking distance from the studio. i hate not having my 'adjustment period' in the morning and throwing myself out of bed, getting dressed, deciding i don't need to brush my teeth and grabbing my stuff for studying in 7 minutes definitely doesn't qualify.

maybe it's that once i got to yoga, my body decided to continue the further humiliation it started on friday when i took my second-ever anusara class. (i would link to what anusara is, but i think my head would literally explode.) on friday, my body seemed to throw back in my face all the optimism that i'd engendered from tuesday - oh, so you think you might be able to teach yoga? bwa ha ha ha ha. do this little, itty-bitty posture, and see how long it takes before you fall out of it. today, as i sat on my mat (late), and closed my eyes for the small meditation that takes place at each class, i couldn't do what jodie was asking us to do - with each inhalation, draw in the positive, with each exhalation let go of the negative - my mind was not having any of that. it was throwing up all sorts of resistance - you missed your psych midterm on monday - what are you going to do if the prof doesn't let you re-take it? ... i wonder what met's up to?...trust you to have left such a huge essay for the day before, bee...and then my body was stiff and sore and it was like, bam! i've had no training at all and all my flexibility has gone south along with the geese for the winter.

so frustrating.

so yes, if you followed my crazy stream-of-consciousness up there - i'm angry with myself for being so caught up in recovery that i missed a midterm, which means one of two things - either the prof lets me make it up, somehow, or i have to drop the class so it won't affect my g.p.a. i'm also pissed that i have a 12-page paper due tomorrow, that i need to basically start now. and it's worth 75% of my fucking grade.

i wrote "i'm angry with my body" but that's not true. i'm angry that i'm still dealing with the health issue that i mentioned a few posts ago. i hate it that every so often i have to relive that moment. i hate it that no matter how much i want to i can't let it go - that my body won't let me. what the hell is the lesson i'm supposed to learn from this? i'm ready to learn!

i'm angry at my ex. there's a part of me that wants to be able to forgive him, so that i can release the pain and hurt that he inflicted on me, and that i inflicted on myself as a result, but i just can't. there is also a part of me that wants to see him suffer. that wants make sure he feels as much pain as he caused. and how useful is that? i want to grind his face underneath the heel of a very spiky stiletto.

i'm angry because a customer i hoped to never see again, due to the inappropriateness of his behaviour towards me, came into the store not once, but twice yesterday and forced me to relive the first time i met him.

i'm angry at married people and people who are able to walk hand-in-hand with their partners down the street, or wait for the metros all snuggled up together. i know this is a silly and petty thing and normally i'm so happy for people who have found true happiness with their loved one -but goddamn, i've found my soulmate and we never see each other. right now we're in the middle of this ridiculous game of phone tag that is just...i just want him to walk through my door and grab me and let me release. but of course he can't - he's got so much shit on his plate right now, he's lucky if he has any energy left to sleep. i'm serious.

in the book that i'm reading, eat pray love, there's this part near the end of the india section where gilbert says (something like) it is the mind's last defense, to throw up resistance in the form of negative thought, as it doesn't want to let in the divinity of god's love.
i've often thought along those lines, but good lord...

this helped a little. at least now i'm not spitting and tearing my hair out and crying and pacing back and forth. as i was quite literally doing about half an hour ago.

i'm sorry. i needed to vent. keeping this rage inside of me was poisonous.


Anonymous ceanandjen said...

Let it ROAR!!!!!! Yes, we do indeed to try to deal with things in the "emotionally intelligent" way, but goodeness, that is not always realistic. Sometimes we do need to get angry, really angry. At the end of it, I swear, we end up with a different perspective. While I am very unhappy that you feel so angry, I am also relieved that you are allowing yourself the space in which to FEEL it and LET IT OUT!!!! Roaring with you sweet Bee..roaring with you.

Hugs and kisses...xoxoxoxo

3:54 p.m.  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Oh Bee I know you are mad but I can't help but think you must be awful cute when you are mad.

I understand and I am so glad you let this out. You are moving forward....

I remember that part from the book. I loved that book-even though I got crazy envious at points. It was full of great key principles.

And hey if you could see me-over here-miss right in line with you on wanting to teach yoga and then you watched me try to stretch my hamstrings, you would laugh yourself silly.

Hey maybe that is a good idea. Come on over I bet I could make you giggle.

Love to you

5:43 p.m.  
Blogger Jessie said...

i agree with ceanandjen...


i roared with you. could you hear me?

6:14 a.m.  

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