waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada

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Friday, November 10, 2006

questioning

this is going to be hard for me to write today. i feel myself not opening up, but forcing myself to stay in front of my computer, when all i want to do is make some coffee, grab my book, and read.

i should be cleaning my apartment. it's pretty nasty in here.

i woke up today feeling out of sorts; i couldn't exactly figure out why. yesterday was sort of strange for me in lots of ways. it was the first time i felt that balloon of optimism that's been growing in my chest as of late deflate a little. reasons why it might have deflated a little:
  • had my first talk with banane since the events of last week transpired. told her everything - about the psych ward, even about me being on medication again. and she asked me some questions that i'd been thinking to myself. she said, "do you think you're bi-polar?" and i said, "oh, i know i am."
  • had my second counselling session with the counsellor i was referred to last week. she commented on how well i seemed to be doing, but also to not be too hard on myself if i couldn't do all i was committing myself to doing.

these two events made me feel strange. strange because i've noticed this being a pattern with myself before - i get very depressed, then i get very optimistic. i plunge, i skyrocket. over and over. it made me start questioning myself - my good mood, my healing process - and wonder if it was just a trick of brain chemistry, instead of actual change. which made me feel kind of shitty.

so i got home from my appointment and realized that i had only a few hours to transform my i've-been-writing-essays-for-too-long apartment into something that would look date-worthy, as met was coming over at 6 to hang out for the night, for the first time since the day before my birthday. (seriously. that is dangerously close to 2 weeks.)

my mother instilled in me a while ago that a person's living quarters were a direct reflection of their mental state. maybe that's why i get freaked out if people come over and it's not spotless. but he showed up early at 5:30 and i...was totally unready. i had a clay face mask on. (yup. dried green goo all over my face.) i hadn't done dishes in a week. i felt sort of panicky, for a while, and then i just told myself - no. you are not going to let this bother you. but it still kind of did.

i don't know if this will make sense to anyone, but i worry that because he's so clean that he will never be able to actually live with me.

we had a wonderful date. we needed it. he left at 12, and i promptly crashed, then i woke up and that feeling was still there. that all is not right with the world feeling. so i told myself, "take thee to a yoga class!" even though i very much didn't want to.

the yoga class was kind of humiliating. my body was stiff, we did all sorts of postures i felt shaky in...it was good, in a way, but not the release i normally look for. it was a painful one.

i have to admit something here: every so often, i have a certain health problem. it's too embarassing to admit to anyone, even met doesn't know exactly what it is. when it occurs, i simply take care of it the best way i can, as privately as i can, and try to get on with my life. this particular problem was caused as a result of a particular rape.

i have it right now. and no matter how much i try to be gentle with myself, i always feel ashamed. and dirty, and angry, and tearful. i wish it would just go away so i could permanently heal, but it just won't.

then on the way back from my class i realized what day it was. today is the day where 8 years ago, i started dating my first serious boyfriend. we were 19 when we met in residence, and he was with me throughout my mother's last illness and her death. he couldn't reconcile the person i became immediately afterwards with the person i had been before.

i tried to tell him things were not good between us for a long time, but he could never accept it. he would always tell me, "all couples fight" and that i was just over-reacting. he wanted the old me back.

things went sharply downhill in year 2. the end came quickly, in january, the day i found out my aunt died. (i want to tell the full story, but something, some exhaustion, is just not letting me). i tried to break up with him, he told me that because i was still sleeping in his bed that he had certain "rights" and used that excuse a few times. i tried to disconnect from my body.

right before i moved out, which was months earlier than i should've, we got into a huge fight. i came home from a night out with friends and found that he had rummaged through my 'office', the place where i did my homework and had started sleeping. it was the one small room in a house full of men where i felt safe, and could be myself. things were flipped over. diaries were open. i had drunk a little beer beforehand and so stormed downstairs and turned on the light and started screaming at him, how dare you go into my room? that was my space! and then...he got angry and he beat me.

it ended - everything ended - when he was straddled on top of me on the bed with one hand holding my good arm down, the other hand strangling me. then i saw his eyes clear. and he let me go. and it took a while for the air to come back in my lungs and when i did i started to cry and i went up to the kitchen, called my friends who lived around the corner and promptly left.

my best friend took me into her kitchen, forced me to take my clothes off and took pictures of the bruises he left, in case i ever wanted to press charges. i never did.

today is the day when we started going out.

i'm crying, just a little, right now.

p.s. i just tried to blog-surf to see people and say hi, and i just can't do it right now. maybe later...but if i don't show up today, i'm sorry.

11 Comments:

Blogger Superhero Activist said...

I had no idea. No idea.

What an asshole. That doesn't even begin to encapsulate my loathing of this man, this man I don't even know.

How dare he.

I love you.

I am glad you grew strong, grew from all of this, from his utter pathetic attempt to dominate you, from his inconceivable disregard for the beautiful person you are.

Grrr.

Did I tell you I love you, my dear, dear friend? Because I do. And I'll be here when you're ready.

10:05 a.m.  
Blogger Scott said...

Don't know what to say, other than I am so sorry that this has happened to you Bee. I am so impressed that you write and continue to fight for yourself. I think that it is amazing and beautiful! Always remember that you did nothing wrong and that are special and have a lot to give to this world.

Scott

11:05 a.m.  
Blogger megg said...

wow - that was quite a post. I want to tell you how brave and strong you are for sharing all of this - and to tell you that another day soon will have a sheen to it again. Keep stretching, keep sharing, know that you are strong. Be well.

1:15 p.m.  
Anonymous ceanandjen said...

No apologies necessary sweet girl.Remember what I always tell you, take this one day at a time. You will have good days, in-between days and not so good days. Don't guilt yourself, just experience it however you need to.

Thank you for sharing this story with us. You are incredibly brave, and I have a lump in my throat after reading it. My heart aches for all the trials that you have gone through, but it beats faster knowing that you are making such wonderful strides in your life and moving ahead with your head held high. (yes, your head is held high, even when you don't think it is...we all see it).

You are an amazing soul.

love to you...xoxoxoxo

2:42 p.m.  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

don't be sorry. please, don't be sorry. what you shared here was so deep and so real that i'm sure it took a great deal of emotional energy. if you aren't up to blog surfing that is certainly understandable.

i am sitting here just stunned by your words. i am always amazed at the horrors women live through. we seem to survive, and thrive, with all of our broken pieces weighing so heavily on us. your words touched me today. your life touched me today...

love to you...

2:55 p.m.  
Blogger Spiky Zora Jones said...

Oh bee, I see you through your words and i see me. I see the 14 year girl that i was. in one evening she was a memory.
i hurt for you and if i could make things better, i would...i would. i still at times feel like a lost soul. there's a hole in my heart that will never heal completely. sweet, sweet bee, don't let it beat you.

2:57 p.m.  
Blogger Deb R said...

I know some others have said it, but I'm going to say it too - no need to feel sorry at all. Sometimes we all need time for ourselves. I think you have inner strength you haven't even realized yet.

8:23 p.m.  
Blogger Cheshire Cat said...

Oh Bee. I wish you didn't feel ashamed. I wish i could write something that would take all your pain away. I just don't understand how people can do some of the things they do.
I could never hurt anyone on purpose.
Hmmm, although, if i ever met that guy, I think my stance on the subject of causing pain might change.
I love you. I miss you. I'll see you soon.

8:23 p.m.  
Blogger b/sistersshoes said...

My sweet sweet girl, oh how I wish I could erase this chapter right from your life.

What a survivor you are, no, you are more than that, you are a conqueror, courageous and strong...

brave to tell such an event in your life. I can only pray that in doing so, you felt some healing.

Perfect love casts out all fear, bee...and you are loved by so many, sweet girl.

I'm sorry and I hear your pain, let it be replaced with something beautiful of your choosing, not the choices of others. I send this into the Universe to reach your kind heart.

I love you bee,
xxxooo darlene

9:01 p.m.  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Oh girl

I want to scream
I want to cry
I want to make it all better

I am glad you are writing about it

That you are taking care of yourself

That you are letting yourself be loved

XOXOXO

5:05 p.m.  
Blogger melba said...

This made my heart ache.
You are strong.
You are brave.
You are love.

XOXO,
Melba

7:52 p.m.  

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