waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada


Sunday, September 10, 2006

i'll let you in on a little secret: i'm thinking of packing it all in. not the blog; my life in montreal.

i could sublet my apartment, drop out of school, and move home.

the idea hit me on the walk to the internet cafe, which i am now sitting in, wishing i hadn't worn the wool sweater i am currently melting in.

you'll have to excuse me. yesterday i was told by my sister (who had consulted a homeopath) that the pain i am currently experiencing could be due to a protein deficiency - my muscles, looking for protein, are eating THEMSELVES. apparently. left to their own devices, i could be in a wheelchair in 10 years.

oh, joy. oh fucking, fucking joy.

i am so angry right now. i was about to apologize, but fuck that. i am angry.

i am angry at my body. i am angry that no matter what i seem to do for it it might get worse. i am angry about how self-conscious i get about it. who cares what i look like? i do.

today met and i went to play soccer. or, rather, he did. my hip hurt a bit, but quite honestly, i could have pushed through it. but i got the crippling stage fright i was completely expecting the second we stepped up on the field. the stage fright went along these lines: you'll look different. what if you miss the ball - people will look at you. i think half the time i'm expecting elementary school bullies to come out of the people who love me, which is absolutely ridiculous.
i was going to spectate, but then i got the overwhelming urge to run away. why? because i kind of wanted to play, pain and all, but i was too shy to. and i didn't want to just watch. so i 'ran' away - i took a walk around the park, did some yoga, sat under a tree.
i talked with my mother, and for the first time in a long time, could see her next to me. instead of all the bits i normally visualize (the birthmark on her shoulder, her shade of pink lipstick) i got the whole picture this time: my whole mother, smelling like vanilla and baby powder, holding my left hand in hers, smoothing it out, the way she did. i could hear her laugh, and i put my head on her shoulder and she tucked my hair behind my ear and i asked her what i should do.

she didn't really have an answer for me.

the truth of the matter is i'm terrified. of what's happening to me, of being on my own, of not making rent, of failing school, of being dependent on other people, of loneliness, of depression, of the depths in me that are so deep and so black that i don't want to explore anymore.


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