waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada


Saturday, October 14, 2006

in a gentle way, you can shake the world. ~mohandas gandhi
my heart is so full, and i feel so light.
last night i did the ritual; although really it was me, crouched on the floor of my living room, surrounded by candles and incense, writing. i wrote and wrote and wrote - things i wanted to let go of, things i wanted to call to my life, things about this journey that i wanted to keep and remember.
i wrote until the page was full, and then i stopped, and looked at it - and put my forehead on the floor. i breathed, in and out, over and over, and i felt something in me disintegrate and fall away.
i rolled the paper up into a cylinder and took it into my bathroom. i stood in the bath tub and struck a match and held it up to the words i had written.
my words burned away, until all that was left were the silvery ashes floating around my feet.
i put the ashes in a small bowl, took the bowl to my balcony, and released it to the wind. (i'm sure the man who was letting his dog pee on the hedge by my building wondered what the hell i was doing).
i went to bed early, and slept well. i needed to give myself rest; i am taking seriously this vow to take care of myself first. that means following, a little, lynn's prescription and SERIOUSLY cutting back on my stress. it means eating well. it means living consciously, and with intention.
when i woke up this morning, i felt light. that is the only way i can describe it - the weight that's been living with me for how long now had been released. i put on the pot of coffee and made breakfast, and, as i almost always do, i checked my favourite blogs before i went to work.
and i received a gift that left me absolutely speechless.
i want to thank each and every one of you beautiful souls who took the time to read and support me yesterday - your words and good wishes meant the absolute world to me. i felt accepted, held up, and understood, and that was invaluable.
however, i must send my most heartfelt gratitude to one woman in particular; a woman who i have just begun to know but who is already an amazing inspiration to me. thank you, beautiful you (you know who you are) for knowing exactly what i needed and giving me that feeling that i've been searching for, for years. i don't know how, or why, but it was magical. it was such a humbling, awe-inspiring experience to read your words and feel them bathe me in your acceptance and wisdom.
thank you. all of you. knowing you has healed me, in more ways than i can describe. thank you, and much love to us all tonight.


Blogger DebR said...

I'm so glad to hear that writing it all out and the ritual and the words of bloggie friends (especially D) helped you. That's a wonderful thing. Good thoughts winging your way~~~

8:37 p.m.  
Blogger ruby said...

you are loved, miss bee.

9:05 p.m.  
Blogger b/sistersshoes said...

Love is an amazing powerful force that transcends space and time. No matter where you are, or where I am, if we were meant to be a part of each other's lives, nothing can stop it from happening.

All it takes is someone crying out and someone else listening...and when those two forces collide, magic happens.

And we all reap the benefits :)

I feel as light as a feather, I feel like I could fly...all the way to you :)

always here
with plenty
of love


9:17 p.m.  
Blogger Jessie said...

the image of all those heartfelt words, turned to ash and taking flight...oh bee, that is incredible. it makes me feel like anything is possible...like all we need to do is free the caged bird in our heart...and we can fly.

we can fly.

i love you.

9:23 p.m.  
Blogger Cheshire Cat said...

everything you do is so romantic. Your words catching flame, then flying off on the wind. poetic - romantic - inspiring. Your romanticism is something i've always admired. I remember the first time I saw you: the flaming red hair of a goddess. In my mind, you always have bright red hair, heh, maybe i'm the romantic.

9:56 p.m.  
Blogger Cheshire Cat said...

Thanks for the post on my blog. I've read it at least 5 times and each time a huge smile spreads across my lips. I emailed you a couple days ago, but judging by your post, perhaps you didn't get it. email me at magpie33@hotmail.com so i can give you the email addresses that i actually use. (i'm a little cautious about posting them on websites, which is why i have the hotmail account).

11:06 p.m.  
Blogger Susannah said...

i'm so proud of you - and continue to be inspired... this is the way forward, honouring the past and being mindful of the future, of the treasures it will bring you... while also living your fullest expression in the present. we're on this journey together :-) xx

4:26 a.m.  
Blogger Superhero Activist said...

You have been the ears I can talk incessantly into, the shoulder I can cry on, the fount from which I draw strength and inspiration, without you dearest, I'm not quite sure how things would have turned out. I shared in your ritual last night, scribbling away at things we've talked about for so long, trying to let go of the toxins that have found their way inside, and in some parts I was successful, in others not so much, but you, dearest, have helped me arrive at a place where that is OK. My love for you grows and grows: as a person, as a friend, as someone who knows the ups and downs.

Thank you for you.

11:41 p.m.  
Blogger Claire said...

Hey sweetie pie, gorgeous girl. You are so loved and treasured - never forget that!

Have an awesome day,

5:09 a.m.  
Blogger nike said...

mahatma gandhi - really cool .

3:41 p.m.  
Blogger Scott said...

Such a powerful thing that you did. I think that ceremony and ritual is so overlooked in our culture. I am proud of you.


6:55 a.m.  
Blogger GoGo said...

I'm loving your blog. Glad I came acrossed it.

2:53 a.m.  

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