waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada

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Sunday, September 10, 2006

i don't really mean what i wrote, about wanting to move home. this living-on-my-own thing is an experiment i committed to for a year, i'm not going to crap out in month 3.

one of the strongest people i know, my sister, told me over the phone a few days ago that i'm being very brave, doing the physical and emotional work i am doing right now, and doing it on my own. i bring this up because lots of people have come to me and told me what they get from me - a sense of calm, of courage, of passion and ethics - that i don't feel in myself. which makes me wonder - who is right? are they, and am i not truly seeing myself; or am i throwing up a very convincing glamour?

this is who i see: someone who gives a lot, but not necessarily for the right reasons; someone who's scared of silences; who doesn't take nearly the same risks she used to; someone who is not very good at taking care of herself in the grown-up way; someone who can't communicate what she's feeling unless it's absolutely exploding out of her; someone who's scared of her own truth.

what is my own truth? right now, i'm tired. i have to be up in eight hours so i can go to therapy. from there i plan on yelling at the internet people, then going to class, then coming home and eating leftover rice and trying to write some poems and reading margaret atwood. i'll try not to think about money, or that this week i'm starting anti-depressants.
but that won't be so bad, actually. i always forget, does neo take the blue pill or the red pill? well, i'll be taking plenty of red.

i think i'm going to write myself a love letter. i need one. i'll post it later.

6 Comments:

Blogger ruby said...

i find myself having difficulty knowing how to comment because i don't fully know the intricacies of what you're experiencing right now or the background...just know that i am thinking of you and hoping that you find some answers soon. hugs...

9:41 PM  
Blogger Superhero Activist said...

the process in which you struggle with yourself is so like my own, who was it that said sometimes we are our own worst enemy (and I'd like to add our own best friend, all rolled into one)?

Ah, truth, that elusive mystery I have yet to unconver. I was reading a passage in Leviathan today where Hobbes basically says we need to trust in our own experiences as the only measurement of truth because truth is just a widely accepted social construct anyway. It was very relativist and existential of him, I was proud.

What that means for you, only you can say for sure. Of course, I do want to see yourself as the brilliant woman I know, but that's just my humble opinion. :)

I can't wait to read your love letter. The idea makes me smile, I think I may do the same. I'll post mine in "the garden".

Sweet dreams dearest.

10:07 PM  
Blogger Claire said...

You deserve so much love, sweetie. You are truly an inspiration and so brave and honest to face up to everything so wholeheartedly. Wishing you good things, hon.

Cxx

11:09 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

I took the pink pills for a long time. You are going to do great.

Scott

11:35 AM  
Blogger Jessie said...

you are lucky to have a sister who tells you such wonderful things. i've been feeling sorry for myself because, while i've been trying to do the valiant thing and folllow my heart, i feel like i am only getting negativity from my family...like they think i could do better...even though "better" for me right now has NOTHING to do with how much i might make an hour.

god i admire your bravery...even if you don't feel brave. depth makes life more difficult, but then again it makes it that much more beautiful, too.

a love letter is a good idea. maybe i should write one for myself also. it might even be worth the stamp and a trip to the post office. ;)

4:17 PM  
Blogger Sacred Suzie said...

Independence, especially from family, is a very difficult rite of passage. Especially when you have health struggles and are still doing it on your own. Kudos to you Bee.

Sometimes I think we put a dour glamour on the reflection of ourselves to ourselves. We're so hard on "us" and see mostly the negative. Those who love us, see more of the truth.

9:28 AM  

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