waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada


Tuesday, September 12, 2006

oh, my god. i got home from physio today and called up the internet people and they had me do all the normal troubleshooting things that they had me originally do A MONTH AGO when my internet crapped out, and in my head i was like, yeah, yeah, when are you going to shoot me up to second-level tech support, i've done all this before when lo and behold, the lights lit.

on my dsl modem, that is. (who would have thunk that i'd be so excited about technology?) and so now i'm writing to you FROM MY DESK for the first time in a month. this means i feel comfortable talking about whatever, whenever...like how flood and i got into a discussion about sex and stress today. (i seem to be the person that everybody comes to with sexual dysfunction issues. it's a trend i've noticed). how i really, genuinely enjoy his company - i think we're starting to be great friends, outside of the whole therapist-patient relationship. as he said once, "it's therapy for the both of us."

so, i'm excited about my internet being back up for a big reason. it crapped out almost a month ago, as i've been saying - the start of a huge depression for me. the 21st was met's and my 3 month anniversary - which we didn't really celebrate because we were really busy, but i LOVE to celebrate things like that; i'm such a romantic that there is no occasion too small, really.
so we didn't celebrate and we didn't recoup the celebration, which bummed me out a bit. it was no big deal, but then a few days later i found myself alone, with no support close by able to help me, and that's when my technology backfired.
and it stayed backfired.
i think in the back of my head (i've been studying the behaviourists in psych this week, so i'm all about the pavlovian response right now) i associated being cut off as really truly being cut off.

and it only makes sense that as i have been making a concerted effort (only the past couple days, it's true) to really change my thinking and pattern of thought, that my preferred means of communication would re-emerge.

what's the effort i've been making? a few days ago, as i mentioned, i went to therapy. i was really emotional on the walk there because of the night before and when jamie closed the office door, i burst into tears in front of him for the first time ever. it only makes sense - i have been bursting into tears in front of complete strangers all week, and we walked through it - the whole mess about soccer, and then also something i don't think i've mentioned here recently - my guilt.
i feel guilty a lot - too much. feeling guilty about not being there for my sister when she called, in tears, the night of the anniversary; feeling guilty because during my freak-out at the internet cafe, my wonderful boyfriend had taken time away from his insane workload to talk me down for two hours.
now, i know he's a big boy and can make his own decisions; i won't lie when i say i try to protect him from my own craziness. especially when i know that he's stressed out as it is. bottom line, i was feeling guilty about being the reason behind making him more stressed out.
jamie let me vent for a while, and then he said, "you could look at it that way. OR, you could look at it like, 'wow. someone really loves me.' "
and just like that, it clicked.
isn't it funny how you can work, and work and work towards some little bit of illumination, and it never comes until you're stretched taut as skin? and then it just falls in your lap like a ripe apple.
i realized that i've been looking at things ALL wrong. the fact is, i have an amazing man who loves me. i have friends (both real, and virtual. thank you for your support) who, while having their own lives, make sure to check in and make me know i'm loved. i have a sister who truly gets me. it's BEAUTIFUL in montreal right now - clear skies, sunny, fall is here.
in the past few days i've been concentrating on living in the moment. which is HARD for me. i'm always skipping ahead to the next bill, the next pay cheque, the next assignment, the next etc., and so it's been pretty rewarding, although harsh, to rein myself back. to pull away from the precipice of worry and think about what's good, about my moment, right now.

like today? the sun was shining. i listened to good music all day, walking around; stared down some lewd construction workers until they blushed; had a massage; fixed my shoes; GOT MY INTERNET BACK. all moments with lots of goodness. my poetry workshop is tonight, also good.

the muzzle is off, ladies and gentlemen.

p.s. i have mentioned met a bit more than usual in this entry because i have got a few emails asking me if we are "all right". we are more than all right; however, i want to respect how private HE is. it's a weird tightrope to walk, especially when your loved one reads your blog.

now, i'm incredibly late for class. yay!


Blogger Jessie said...

Yay!! You have internet!! I'm glad that you can let-r-rip a bit easier now. :) Have a great time at poetry tonight!

5:35 p.m.  

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