waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006


sometimes it amazes me the breadth of feeling i can experience in a day, in one hour, in one minute. (i like that word, to describe emotion: breadth, it's full of fibre and nourishment.)

it's strange for me to try and communicate how i feel, considering it changes so constantly. i'm up, i'm down, i'm numb...i'm sassy, i'm shy, i'm funny, i'm broken-hearted. sometimes i'm content with my own arms wrapped around me. sometimes i ache for love to walk through the door and envelop me.

there is so much of my journey that i want to honour, and yet so much i don't want to own. i don't want to write here, and let people see, how raw it is - how raw it remains, for no apparent reason.

but i also want to. i want to unzip this skin i'm in, and let the light shine on my dark bits; maybe it will warm them up a little.

it is 2:38 am. i have been awake for 23 hours. i want to go to sleep. i've eaten too much junk food today, drunk way too many (expensive) coffees, and i want to disappear.

but i've had it with hiding my emotions. something in me is blocked, and i need to release it. if i edit myself here, then i'm not sure where the sludgy stuff is going to go.


the first thing i need to release, to admit to: sometimes i need a bit of extra love.

it makes me so ashamed to admit that, and it probably isn't that much of a surprise. it happens the most when i don't care for myself - obviously, perhaps - when i don't sleep, or eat well, or am stressed out.

i literally cannot remember the last time i ate a vegetable. do you know how weird and out of character that is for me?

i have received so much love, from so many corners, in just the past day, that i know i should be full. and i don't mean to say that i am not grateful - in fact, these lovely people (3, in fact) are proof to me that the universe bestows blessings in human form. i love them, i love them so.

but the beastie in me woke up after that, and wanted more and more and more. and i try to feed it, to tell it to stop asking, you've had enough - look! look at what you got! be happy! but it won't listen.

sometimes it won't accept anything but everything.

3 Comments:

Blogger John said...

Between this and the most recent post, there is recovery in words, solace in their craft. There is so much I want to say, so much I want to convey at this given moment, but you have said all that needs to be said and it is beautiful. *You* are beautiful.

2:39 PM  
Blogger bee said...

john,

thank you. so much. your words touched a part of me that needed healing. please feel free to share your own story, if you'd like to.

5:06 PM  
Blogger Cheshire Cat said...

You are beautiful and wonderful and perfect. always.

10:32 PM  

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