waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada

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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

“Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone.” -G.B. Stern

i am sitting in my messy bedroom, at my messy desk, in my bare feet with my goddess scarf tied around my messy hair. this is what i see around me: a martini glass filled with the remainders of this morning's smoothie, my favourite red coffee mug, a silk journal, my mother's backyard radio, a cat sprawled on the autumn balcony. my bathrobe and favourite slippers lie around my chair. a cd met made me while i was away is playing on my stereo; i am wrapped in one of my best friend's sweaters; i am enjoying my breath.

i am tired...i know that last night's all-nighter is waiting to seduce me to bed in only a few hours, but i am overfull with gratitude right now. i feel it spilling out of me, making my scalp tingle, making me want to send out a blessing to this incredible, incredible universe.

something i truly, truly believe is that each of us is where we need to be at any and every given moment; i am the first one to admit that i become a doubting toby when things go wrong. and then magic happens, just when my resolve is starting to slip.

that story was due today. for those of you who missed my frantic post, (which disappeared, because i had something different and vastly more important to say), the story that i had been trying to write for days disappeared this morning around 11 am when my computer crashed. i think i was just delirious enough from lack of sleep to laugh at the whole situation, take a few minutes to drink yet another cup of coffee, and find something in my archives that i dusted off to hand in instead.

i was made an "object lesson" in my prose workshop when t.f., my prof, related to the class the contents of my frantic messages to him, and advised everyone present to make multiple copies of their work to avoid my situation. t.f. didn't do it maliciously - he is one of those amazing human beings with a gentle presence, winsome wit and something genuine to impart, and in a month is becoming one of my top three teachers ever, which says A LOT - and the class was sympathetic. he also, graciously, is allowing me to resubmit a third story in late november.

which means more work, but i am just pleased that i'm not going to be judged on the merits of something i wrote a year and a half ago.

lately - for the past four or five days - i have been outside just around sunset, even if i'm cooped up inside for the rest of the time. what a gift that has been.

today was perfect - the sky was this shade of blue that was as delicate as an eggshell, the trees were all tousled together in autumnal reds and golds and greens, the breeze on my face was as gentle as a lover's hand. it was wonderful just to ramble through my neighbourhood, looking at all the brick houses and seeing signs for the pet parade coming up, a labyrinth walk i must make time for, and remembering to buy toilet paper before i got home. and there's a specific "sign" that when i see it, i have told myself that it's my mother checking in with me - i think only two people in the world besides me know what it is - and it was EVERYWHERE tonight. it was so beautiful.

“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "thank you?" -William A. Ward

i owe a great deal of thanks to the loving loving people who love me in my life. there have been a few people who i have leaned on, if not obviously, then in my head, and their support has sustained me through the last few days when it seemed like everything that could go wrong, did. met - my lover, my partner, my best friend: thank you, baby, for sending me home with junk food and checking in to cheer me on...for making me laugh, and knowing and loving me so completely. you are incredible. john - you always ALWAYS appear just when i need you. you know the exact right thing to say to get me out of my crazy insecure paranoid tree and i'm so glad you exist in the world, my friend; my cosmic twin. my friend wo, who gave me hugs-for-strength last night, and e, who rubbed my head and told me i could do it.

to my virtual sisters, jessie, susannah, and ruby. through our conversations, i feel that we share an inexplicable bond. we all seem(ed?) to be going through the same sort of struggles - and when i closed my eyes at times last night i could see your sweet faces. (and just because i mentioned them by name doesn't mean i don't appreciate my blog-family in its entirety. i leaned on ALL of you at some point...)

j. my sister. my mother. this morning, around 3 when my body was humming with caffeine and i could feel the silence that seeped in from outside and into my bones, i made a list. just of the names of people who i knew would be rooting for me. you were all on it. i am so blessed.

"No one is as capable of gratitude as one who has emerged from the kingdom of night." -Elie Wiesel

when i got home from my CRAZY day, (which never really finished from yesterday, it was more of a blurry segue) i had two emails waiting for me. one was from my partner...and it was so beautiful it brought tears to my eyes....it was one of those moments when i didn't know i needed to hear exactly THAT from that person. but i did, and he instinctively knew that....and i'm just so incredibly in love.

the second was from my other cosmic twin, one of my soul brothers, a person i knew for YEARS before i actually got to know him would be my kindred spirit. we haven't talked in a looooooong while, too long, and he sent me the most beautiful words:

i love you bee...i guess i haven't told you that in a while too. a few weeks ago i went to see cat power and the whole time i thought of you and raised a glass to you with my smile! i really want to spend a few days with you...just the two of us...getting drunk and talking about the poetry that hides in our finger tips. but, who knows when that will happen. i just wanted to say that i was thinking about you and i miss you. talk to you soon...i promise...

what a strength-giver. what inspirational people i have in my life. it's been so wonderful to receive the love that i have been in the past...few hours? i am brimming.

thank you, thank you, thank you. have a beautiful, wonderful night. may these words give whoever needs them some peace.

this too, shall pass...

13 Comments:

Blogger ruby said...

oh, bee....(((hug)))

6:48 PM  
Blogger Jessie said...

dear, sweet bee, these words feel like the biggest, most wonderful hug of all. i suppose it shouldn't surprise me that while I was thinking of you, you were thinking of me. you've come into my mind many times today, yesterday, the day before....

and since my favorite mug happens to also be red, here is a toast to you, to us, to words, to purpose, to life, to friendship.

i love you sweet friend. thank you for bringing a smile to my face.

7:33 PM  
Blogger Cheshire Cat said...

I don't know why I haven't tried to contact you sooner. it's been a long time. I think about you often. I got your blog address from Angel when I ran into her at a kegger a few months ago. I've been meaning to check it out and say hello, but i've been busy working ridiculous hours. A sad excuse, i know. But i have missed you. I always regretted not spending more time with you while you were in ottawa. And i really want to come visit you sometime. Chris and I have a couple free weekend rentals at Discount and i think we should use them to visit you.
-Brenda
http://thereandback-again.blogspot.com/

11:15 PM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

Ug, I'm sorry I haevn't been around as much. I keep forgetting you have the new blog, which I am happy about--you didn't disappear.

Anyway, I love that you drink your smoothie out of a martini class. It's good to dress it up like that.

5:04 AM  
Blogger Spiky Zora Jones said...

How very beautiful, Bee.

8:28 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Bee,

How wonderful to have been brought here by the sweet comment you left for me, which brought a smile to my day. I visited your site and my heart was absolutely touched in just the way it needed to be... as you could tell, from my latest entry, I've been struggling a bit in my head. I've been pushing for simplicity. What you wrote was like a breath of fresh air... take a second, pause a moment, look around... it's gorgeous... be grateful, and let your loved ones know. I believe it's just the therapy I need...

So I'll start, inspired by you, and offer you my first thank you. :)

I know I will be back again and again!

xo

10:50 AM  
Blogger Susannah said...

hey beautiful girl - it is such a joy to read your words tonight. i love how you embrace the gorgeousness of life... keep doing it... it's working wonders... and even if i don't comment on every post, i READ every post, so you have a constant stream of love from the UK on tap for you :-) x

1:37 PM  
Blogger Hunting Wild said...

I'm new to blogging and to Poetry Thursday. You're writing is beautiful. I'm looking forward to reading your posts.

http://huntingwild.blogspot.com

6:05 PM  
Blogger megg said...

what a lovely post - the gratitude, the amble through your day, the chaos of the lost work, the thanks - it was a gentle reminder to me of all of the things I need to be grateful for - thank you!! xo

10:08 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

Love the post, absolutely love how you can put your emotions and feelings out into words. Thanks!

Scott

12:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wonderful words...I am so glad you seem to be coming through the dark and seeing the blessed in the every-day. I know it's been hard Bee but you are here for a reason. Thank you for sharing your words and experiences.

12:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bee, I emailed you my address! Let me know if you didn't get it OK?

2:30 PM  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

This was so full of love thios post-it made me feel so happy to read.

XO

11:51 AM  

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