waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Thursday, October 05, 2006

the writing that some people have been doing lately has completely inspired me to share parts of myself, here and now, that i don't normally.
it's not that i mean to edit myself; although i am the first to admit that if i write something a bit uncomfortable, the post is gone before i can say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

i don't like that i've developed the habit of not trusting my own words, of not trusting the gentleness of the people who read them.

a lot of the blogs i'm addicted to belong to something called "the self portrait challenge", which i can't belong to because i don't own a digital camera (more on that later...). i have to say, though, that i have my thoughts and ideas for each 'theme' that they offer.

october's theme is imperfections, and oooh, boy, is that a hot-button topic already. i have been fascinated and thrilled to see how differently the women i read respond to it - such as michelle, who only wants to honour the parts of herself she has grown to love; or amy, who feels too tender to post anything; or liz, who acknowledges that she feels envious.

i tend to be somewhere in the middle. on the one hand, i feel like i need to acknowledge the parts of myself that are not perfect (because which, really, are?); i also want to cradle them gently, and love them as pieces of the gorgeous whole, because we all are gorgeous creatures, flaws and all. in fact, i think it's specifically our flaws that make us who we are. they individuate us.

here is one thing about myself that i am working to change: my impatience.

i find too often that i am planning for the next moment, instead of enjoying the one that the universe has given to me now.
i tell myself, next week, when i'm done this project, i'll be so much less stressed, or i'll feel better tomorrow, without understanding the opportunities that each moment presents. i'm always wishing - for more sleep, more energy, more time with my loved one - when i don't stop to look around.


let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~james thurber

here's a good example, and one i have to take a DEEP breath to admit to (and no, i'm not sure why). i would love, absolutely love, to spend more time with my boyfriend - as it is, right now we get a few hours a week. sometimes i feel like we're having a long-distance relationship, even though we live within fifteen minutes' walking distance of each other.

this is the way it is, for now. we're both busy students; we have lives that we're committed to. but every so often i find myself wishing, hoping, that something will change and we'll suddenly have the opportunity to have sleepovers again; to spend the day together, cooking food and going for walks and taking naps; to be able to go somewhere for the weekend, just the two of us.

i feel guilty for admitting that for so many reasons. i feel guilty because i know how lucky i am to have him at all; i feel guilty because i feel that's demanding of me; i feel guilty for all the people out there who are still searching for, or who have lost their loved ones, and who might be thinking right now, at least she has somebody. what is she complaining about? and it's true. i wouldn't trade him, or our relationship, for anything.

i feel guilty because in the meanwhile i am missing out on what the present is gifting me, and it is gifting me so much:

  • having iron & wine on my stereo (which is co-operating for once - the thing is almost as old as i am),
  • a large grey-and-white cat licking earl grey tea from his paw,
  • a belly full of apple pie and vanilla ice cream,
  • a clean apartment which is making me feel like i can breathe again, (and smells like lemon cleaning solution - is it weird that i love the smell of cleaning fluids?)
  • lots and lots of neruda poems

the moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself. ~henry miller

that is more than enough for me: finding the extraordinary in ordinary moments. i wonder what tomorrow will bring?

10 Comments:

Blogger liz elayne said...

you have said so much here. i honor your quest to be in the present moment, to let go of the "when..." and "next..." but instead to be in "now..."
my dear girl this is beautiful.

when i first started blogging i wrote a lot about my need to let go. especially letting go of the guilt. we need this. together we will do this little by little, each day.

blessings,
liz

8:13 PM  
Blogger ruby said...

you already know how much i can relate to this post. i needed the reminder again, so thank you...

6:56 AM  
Blogger Jane Poe (aka Deborah) said...

what a lovely post filled with so many thoughts and ideas that a lot of us struggle with ... impatience, gratitude, etc. I believe in simply articulating this, one makes progress. Much peace and love to you. x, d

8:53 AM  
Blogger Spiky Zora Jones said...

Bee…I love Pablo Neruda’s work. He has so much emotion in his poems…they're so alive and moving, changing, extracting a different emotions in each reading. This makes his poems wonderful to read and re-read, of course that could just be the surfacing abstract in me his poems seem to pull.
Bee sweetie, don't feel guilty for wanting. That is what drives us and gets us over the mountaians we climb. Remember, tiger shirt. Grrr! You inspire me sweetie. later.

10:14 AM  
Blogger j said...

I was talking to a girl in my class about this the other day. We were waiting for the prof to show, joking around, trying to "out-guilt" each other. I figured we'd be done after three shots, but, we just kept going. Eventually the rest of the class was quiet, looking at us, mouths open. The shit we put on ourselves... astounding. I'm learning, slowly, how to weazle my way out of feeling guilty for ridiculous things. Now if only I can figure out how to stop feeling guilty for feeling guilty all the time...

11:14 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

Great post... i can relate to what you are saying so much about relationships. Time... where is it?

Scott

12:21 PM  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

i'm glad my post had something to say to you...i just feel like i've been spending so much time trying to honor and embrace my imperfections, treating them gently and cradling my broken pieces, all of which is good and essential, but i forget to embrace what is already right and good and beautiful. i'm still working on embracing my imperfections but i'm going to start spending a lot more time honoring what is already imperfectly perfect and claiming what is there right in front of me

3:04 PM  
Blogger Claire said...

Beautiful post sweetie! Love what you've written here.

Cxx

5:42 AM  
Blogger Thomas said...

This kind of captured how I have been feeling lately.

4:48 PM  
Blogger Jessie said...

amen!

sometimes i see people just ejoying the weekend days and i think to myself: i wonder what it would be like to just ENJOY the weekend!

...but i guess we take what we can. even if that means that some days we might only be able to stop long enough to apprecaite little things. i think henry miller said it perfectly!

i hope you and your boyfriend can find the time to take a day off together sometime soon. it is important.

love you,
j.

8:09 PM  

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