waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada


Saturday, September 16, 2006

it don't feel right,
it don't feel right
i can't feel anymore
things don't feel right overhead
lately i haven't been seeing clear
seems to me nowadays things have changed
i don't know if i've done the same

part of this blog's mandate for me is to provide honest testimony, to myself and to others, about who i am and what i'm doing at any given moment. it's hard for me to be honest with myself - sometimes i don't even know what's going on with me, which makes it hard to communicate with others.
it's hard for me to look back and see how down i can get, how confused; it's hard to look behind my veiled words and remember the exact situations they were inspired by.

this is why i have to crack open and share what's going on with me, now.

i started taking the anti-depressants the day before yesterday, and the adaptation to being back on medication has not been easy. the first night my hands were vibrating; my jaw couldn't stop clenching; my heart raced. i felt like i wanted to die.
at work yesterday i kept thinking i was going to pass out or be sick. by the time i got home, i was full of this really unhealthy energy - i should have been exhausted, i was exhausted, but i couldn't get down. i went for this really long walk in the hopes that i would get some of my restlessness out and be able to study afterwards - no such luck.

literally, my skin felt like it's been on fire for two days. it itches and i have constant hot and cold flashes. my fingers are numb. i don't have an appetite. i couldn't sleep last night; towards dawn i had the craziest nightmare.

you know those dreams that seem real? this was one of them. i've had weird, bad-feeling dreams in the past few years, but this was a full-fledged nightmare. in the dream, i'd just got home from work (today?) and was pouring myself a drink in the kitchen. and then i started seizing.
even when i was considered an epileptic, growing up, i'd never had a typical grand-mal seizure. i had one last night. in the dream, i could feel my brain spark - i remember that feeling. then i fell, catching my head on the table - the reason i know this is as i was falling my consciousness split and i could watch everything that was happening.
afterwards i just lay there. that was the other weird thing about the dream - i didn't wake up abruptly. there was this space after i watched myself seize when my spirit was trying to fit back inside my body, to get myself help, and i couldn't.

i'm stressed about a few things, which might have something to do with it.
i haven't been able to lock myself into a chair and do work in three days - so i have a lot due in the next week and none of it started. i thought my lost cat had been turned in to the spca, but it turned out to be a case of mistaken identity. i have my first mammogram on tuesday; when the nurse booked me for the appointment two months ago, she told me two things: 1. i was the youngest person to book for a mammogram in the history of the clinic; 2. it would hurt a lot, because my breasts are so young. so, yay. i also realized that i won't be able to go to physio as flood's changing his schedule to days and there's a conflict, so i'm worried about how i'll feel physically by next week.

my skin just doesn't fit, you know? i'm trying - i thought this was the right thing for me to do to become better-adjusted and better prepared for the winter. i thought i'd tried everything else to no avail. i'm worried now that i'm making a HUGE mistake by continuing to take the medication.

i feel like....that i need help, but nobody can help me with this. i don't know what i need. have i mentioned how indecisive i've been lately?


Blogger ruby said...

oh, bee...i feel for you; i really do. did you experience all of those side effects when you were on antidepressants before? are you on a different kind this time?

8:51 a.m.  
Anonymous jeannette* said...


I found your blog through Ruby and in reading this post I couldn't help but relate. There is nothing worse than feeling alone in your turmoil, that trying to sort through and articulate and have the courage to express what you are feeling is sometimes too much to bear, that your world feels out of control and on the brink of collape as you feel your gasp slipping and clawing to reign in any semblance of peace and knowing.

I have struggled with depression/anxiety/ocd/panic/phobias for many years. I've tried anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication, cognitive/positive thinking, shock therapy, and the healthy alternative. I get realy frustrated and down on myself when I don't see/feel any progress. I tell myself that I have the power to change my situation and/or thinking. All of this results in repressed feelings that build and mound into utter confusion and despair. For in all truth, I know that there are just some things that are out of our hands. I have a hard time sharing my experiences in knowing that many of the people in my life will never relate. I don't like burdening others and I try to be the strong rock that I sometimes need but usually fail to ask for. I see this in you...

In you, I see a loving, caring, passionate, courageous woman. I see someone that values a need for well-being and progression. And I understand the fears and hardships with therapy and medication. I recently went off of my medication for fears of the physical symptoms that surfaced. I am trying the "organic" route again and facing the flip-side negatives to not being on an appropriate treatment. The cycle continues on :) But please know that you are not alone in these feelings and experiences. My heart aches for you and I wish fo the peace of mind and comfort that can seem so elusive in times like this. You are strong and couragous and your life is a beautiful testimant to the human spirit. Each day you live and breathe and do what you do, I believe is a step forward and something to be so proud of.

I would just encourage you to be open to your therapist if you have one about these conditions so that you know what is happening in your body and what to expect. I'm sure you know that it often comes down to a process of elimination...but in the midst of it it is good to have someone you can trust to be honest with you and monitor your symptoms.

I hope that today you are comforted Bee. You are an amazing woman and you deserve all of the best life can give you.

much love,
jeannette *

1:35 p.m.  
Blogger Sacred Suzie said...

Bee, I've been on a ton of prescriptions before and have NEVER had that kind of reaction. That doesn't sound good. I would talk to your doctor IMMEDIATELY, there are more options out there and something more gentle seems appropriate. These pills are supposed to help you find balance, not throw you off. Just because something worked before doesn't mean it will work now. You deserve to feel good and get the best treatment possible, demand it. Don't settle for something that obviously isn't working...

IMHO, LOL. Sorry, guess I feel quite strongly about this!

11:33 a.m.  

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