waiting on the front porch

she just stood there on the front porch waiting for her will to come and get her she was packed she had a suitcase full of noble intentions she had a map and a straight face hell bent on reinvention she was learning about please and huge humilities then one day she looked around her and everything up til then was showing and she wondered how did i get here without even knowing where i was going? ~ani difranco

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Location: montreal, quebec, Canada


Wednesday, October 11, 2006

dear roo,

i know that you don't think that i do, but this is just to tell you that i love you, very much. i know you are aching right now, and i want to tell you that it's okay; you don't need a reason to hurt. whatever you are feeling in the moment is what you are supposed to be feeling. you don't have to apologize to me, or to anyone.

trust yourself, and the journey that you are on. it may be long, and confusing, but know that you are making the right decisions. your big heart is leading you in the right direction; listen to the voice that is speaking inside of you. it may be quiet, but give it the space to let it grow.

i love how you spend more time on your appearance the worse you feel, usually trying to look like a kid. i love how you enjoy the performance, even though you know it's not necessary. i love you, sweetheart. i love how you give all of yourself to each moment. i love how you may wake up sad, but you get up and try to get on with it. i love how you love the people in your life. i love your passion, the way you touch and taste words, how you bring books to your nose to smell them coming off the page. i love how you laugh.

i love how you consistently try to be open. this is hard. i love how curious you are, how you try to learn new things, how you aren't scared to say "i don't know". i love how you understand that there are always new experiences to have. i love that you try and have a new one every day.

i love your ambition - that you want to do so many things with your life, and that you want to touch as many people as possible. you really don't see how, just by living the way you do, that you are an example - you are trying to be a good person.

i love how intelligent you are, i love your quirky sense of humour and how, when you get tired, you don't exactly make sense. i love your ability to adapt, and how you're willing to do anything to make sure that people are comfortable around you.

i love your body, and how special it is. i love that you have a 'lucky side'. you don't see it yet, but it has given you more compassion than you know. you will fight against injustice in your life, sweetie, you have already. i love your blue, blue eyes; nobody else has eyes like you. i love how warm and loving they are, how accepting, and how they show in an instant every moment you've lived. i love your hardworking hands, and how they touch people so softly.

i love how shy you are, how you only open fully to a few people. i love how you constantly think of new ways to express and nurture your creativity - how you have beads and sewing kits in your closet, more acrylic paint than you know what to do with, rolls of film. you know that your art takes more than one form, and you trust your creative instinct. that's a beautiful, wondrous thing.

remember, dearest one, that nobody is watching over your shoulder, grading your progress.

i love how you are just yourself, even when you are pretending not to be: how you love spicy food, and funny movies, and how you can get lost in a good story. i love how your feet get cold before any other part of you so you need to constantly wear slippers. i love how emotional you are; how easily moved to tears, to laughter, how easily moved. i love your scars and the bad jokes you make that you make other people laugh at, if only because you enjoy them so much.

sweetheart, be gentle with yourself today, and for the days after. it is okay to be sad. it is okay to not know why; you are working very hard and you might be worn out. give yourself the hugs that you need, and the kisses - why bother saving them for a later time, or waiting for another person to give them to you? try to take deep breaths. if you need to eat ice cream, eat some. draw yourself a bath and scent it with lavender. go for a walk at sunset and watch the sky change. and try to talk about it with the people you love - believe me, it will help. you might be surprised at the understanding you get. you aren't a burden, and the people who love you, love you for who you are, not for who you want to be. be good to yourself, and remember - if you need a friend, i'll be here.

love, me

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Blogger Claire said...

That's beautiful sweetheart. Take care of you. OK?

9:01 a.m.  
Blogger Spiky Zora Jones said...

Bee...tulips and daffodils go with your post...Madre de dios, maravillosamente escrito. Gracias chica. Why tulips and daffodils? Because I love them and they go well with other beautiful things, like your post.

10:02 a.m.  
Blogger ruby said...

i love this, bee. i am wondering what the process was like of actually writing this. this is a beautiful way to care for yourself. (((big hug)))

10:50 a.m.  
Blogger bee said...

thanks, guys. it actually felt really good to write - like i was flipping some of the things that i'm normally so critical about and reaffirming others..in a lot of ways, it helped just writing the words down. i think i'm making it a tag, actually.

you guys are all it.

11:44 a.m.  
Blogger Jessie said...

bee, this love letter to yourself has me in tears--the good kind. i don't exactly know why...but mostly because it is so beautiful and so gentle with yourself. and in reading it i feel like, in a way, i am part of that love. your love and gentleness sort of just spills over the page from you and onto me. know what i mean?

amyway, i love that you did this and i love that you tagged me. i think that it is something i need to take my journal into the woods for and write until all the hurt or scared or unsure parts of myself begin to feel the effects of love and kindness. what better place to start than with oneself. ahhhh...i feel good at even the thought of it.

you make me smile.

12:39 p.m.  
Anonymous jeannette* said...

Bee, this is so beautiful. I really loved the part about people not looking over your shoulder and grading your progress. I'm going to wrap that thought around me and speak these words for myself. There are so many things here to glean from...though I know it is for you....your thoughtful words are so comforting!

3:21 p.m.  
Blogger b/sistersshoes said...

Dear Roo ~ You are a very special person. I am just learning about who you are and this letter told me a lot. As long as we are taking care of ourselves, loving the "me" that resides within, I know that when we mix that kind of love with the love of our family and friends, old and new, (like me! :D then together we can touch the stars.

Roo....let's fly !

I love U ROO
Ooooo it rhymes

6:12 p.m.  
Blogger Jessie said...

I didn't get a chance to read your last two posts (before this one) until now. Reading three posts in one day--wow!! I feel seriously nuorished.

I hope you've caught up on some of your sleep!

7:26 p.m.  
Blogger tablefor4 said...

Beautifully breathtaking. It's such a wonderful post.

8:20 p.m.  
Blogger Deb R said...

That's so beautiful and such a wonderful gift to give to yourself. Sending you lots of good thoughts~~~~~

8:53 p.m.  
Blogger Cheshire Cat said...

I really enjoyed this post. Strong, yet fragile, and intimate. We are too critical of ourselves and sometimes it's good to say "I love me", heh.

10:15 p.m.  
Blogger Susannah said...

this is wonderful, my lovely friend. simply wonderful. we are always always there for ourselves - it's so important. hugs to you xx

4:13 a.m.  
Blogger Scott said...

Take care bee!!


10:30 a.m.  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

This was so loving. It is wonderful that you took the time and care to show yourself some compassion.

5:44 a.m.  

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